Coke gets in your thighs
NEW YORK, Dec. 30 (UPI) -- Authorities allege a 22-year-old man used his hollow legs to smuggle cocaine through New York's John F. Kennedy International Airport.
Monday, December 31
Child care
Overview:
The commitment to protect your baby, is more than something rational. It is innate. What is rational is taking steps to reconcile the instinct to protect, to always be there when needed. To this end the Toddler Taser is a wise choice for any parent. The Toddler Taser uses a replaceable cartridge, containing compressed nitrogen, to deploy two small probes that are attached to the taser by insulated conductive wires with a maximum length of 15 feet (4.5 meters). The taser transmits electrical pulses along the wires and into the body affecting the sensory and motor functions of the peripheral nervous system. The energy can penetrate up to two cumulative inches of clothing.
You want fries with that?
CHICAGO, Dec. 30 (UPI) -- Chicago police say an eatery owner took out his frustration on unwanted cars in his parking lot by coating the vehicles with cooking grease.
Happy confetti only
NEW YORK, Dec. 30 (UPI) -- New York officials prepared for the annual New Year's Eve celebration in Times Square by testing confetti to ensure it falls "in the proper, happy way."
No more nuts for Nonja
Nonja, the Sumatran Orangutan at Miami Metrozoo, believed to be the oldest living Sumatran Orangutan in the world, is seen in this file photo taken in June 2007.(Xinhua/Reuters Photo)
Photo Gallery>>>
BEIJING, Dec. 31 (Xinhuanet) -- A 55-year-old Sumatran orangutan, thought to be the world's oldest, has died in Miami, a zoo spokesman said Sunday.
World's oldest Sumatran orangutan dies in Miami zoo_English_Xinhua
Sunday, December 30
If they float, they must be witchbugs
NATIONAL CITY, Calif. — A trucker hauling a load of Volkswagen cars drove his cab and several cars into San Diego Bay after blacking out at a marine terminal, authorities said.
The unidentified driver suffered some kind of medical emergency and drove off a pier at the terminal Saturday afternoon, said fire department Capt.Sergio Mora.
Mora said the driver — believed to be in his 40s — regained consciousness underwater and swam about 13 feet to the surface, where dock workers helped him out.
He was taken to a hospital in good condition.
The driver was bound for Los Angeles with his semitrailer load of 2008 Volkswagens of various models. Three of the VWs fell into the bay. [source]
Pie in the sky
I already knew my baking was hazardous. I'm good at burning crusts, mangling fillings and setting off smoke detectors.
But I never thought of it as a threat. At least not in the national security sense.
By the time the Transportation Security Administration agent picked me out of the day-before-Thanksgiving crowd at Portland International Airport, my pie was already rolling down the conveyor belt and into the X-ray machine, along with my sneakers, belt and laptop.
Pie in the sky - OregonLive.com
A chilling story of TSA airport security theatre bollocks. One of many.
Saturday, December 29
The other Queen, that is
Sir Ian McKellen joins the exclusive Order of the Companion of Honour, which is restricted to 65 members, including the Queen.
Humans asking for it
KOLKATA: A day's respite is all that Rani, Babu, Debu and Pappu got. When visitors returned to the zoo on Friday morning after the weekly closure, they were back to tormenting the four chimpanzees, hurling stones into their enclosure. Debu retaliated in kind, picking up the stones and hurling them back at the visitors.
Though zoo authorities deployed additional security and scouts to manage misbehaving visitors, efforts to prevent ugly incidents went in vain as people began pelting stones at the chimps.
"We had removed all stones from the enclosure to prevent trouble, but the crowd pelted the primates with oranges and made bizarre gestures. The chimps didn't react, but then a group of boys began throwing stones at them. That's when Debu retaliated," zoo director S K Choudhuri said.
Bugged by crowd, chimp hits back-Kolkata-Cities-The Times of India
Getting tough on collaborators
FINES could be upped for those who feed monkeys, in the wake of a recent incident where a hoard of 15 primates grabbed food from a pregnant woman and her toddler at MacRitchie Reservoir Park.
The National Parks Board (NParks), which caught 151 people red-handed and fined them this year, could also increase its raids by roping in security companies to nab offenders, it said.
Such people are the prime reason monkeys get so used to humans that they approach expecting to be fed, said assistant director, Central Nature Reserve Ms Sharon Chan.
In the latest incident on Dec 15, housewife Petrina Chan and her 19-month old daughter were sitting at a gazebo in the parkthat morning when Mrs Chan pulled out a white styrofoam box of pancakes from her bag.
The long-tailed macaques, about 30m away, charged.
'They snatched at the box and tore a hole in it,' said Mrs Chan, 35, who was three months' pregnant at the time.
50 Most Loathsome People in America, 2007
28. The Troops
Charges: Rubes, the lot of 'em. Come back all fugly. They keep telling John McCain they want to win. They need so much support, it's clingy and sad. Matching outfits? Kind of gay.
Exhibit A: Too cheap to buy their own body armor.
Sentence: Walter Reed.
Friday, December 28
Number of the beast disconnected
REEVES, La. — After decades of living with what Mayor Scott Walker calls a stigma, residents of this southwest Louisiana village are getting a new telephone exchange, one without the biblical connotations attached to their current 666.
Beginning this month, residents and businesses can change the first three digits of their phone numbers from 666 to 749. Walker said he's made the change on his phone; it's set to be official for City Hall Jan. 2, and Walker said he'd had "20" people contact him Friday morning — before 10 a.m. — about changing, as well.
"This boils down to, this is a very, very religious community," Walker said. [source]
The King is dead, long live the King
A 10-year-old macaque that had ruled over a group of monkeys for four years at a zoo in Jilin, Jilin Province, died of the blues days after a coup deprived him of his throne.
Several days ago, a strong young male macaque attacked the aging monkey as he slept.
"During the ensuing tussle, the old king was forced to abdicate his throne in the young monkey's favor," Zhang, a zookeeper, said.
"In the following days, the old monkey was so depressed that he refused to eat or drink anything and eventually starved to death," he said.
A minute's silence, please
The Knoxville Zoo lost one of its most beloved inhabitants on Christmas Day.
BiBi was one of the zoo's four Western lowland gorillas, and its only female.
"She had been feeling poorly for about a week or so, and on Christmas eve, there was swelling of her face and neck," said Lisa New, the zoo's director of animal collections.
Knoxville Zoo gorilla dies : Local News : Knoxville News Sentinel
Nut on the loose
The proclamation of "evolution" is so widespread that often the user of the word does so without realizing its meaning, even to the point of contradiction.
In the Dec. 13 Augusta Chronicle, an article appeared about scientists having figured out "why pregnant women don't lose their balance and topple over despite ever-growing weight up front."
It continues with: "Evolution provided them with slight differences from men in their lower backs and hip joints, allowing them to adjust their center of gravity, the new research shows." Notice the author attributes this to evolution; but the headline of the article is "Women's backs designed to carry babies." Here the words "evolution" and "design" are in the same piece of writing. How can this be? Evolutionists do not believe in a designer, but that our entire universe happened by chance.
The next paragraph reads: "This elegant engineering is seen in female humans and our immediate ancestors who walked on two feet, but not in chimps and apes, according to a study published in today's edition of the journal Nature."
I would say that this "elegant engineering" was the creation of our loving, heavenly Father. After all, that wedged-shaped vertebra could not happen by accident or chance! To believe otherwise would be foolish.
Gilbert Ward, Evans
From the Thursday, December 27, 2007 edition of the Augusta Chronicle
Evolution, design collide in article 122707 - The Augusta Chronicle
Invasion attempt foiled -- story in full
NEW YORK—A small monkey stashed in a man's hat during a flight to New York has died, but federal health authorities don't know why.
The fist-sized tamarin showed no signs of illness during a quarantine period, Federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention spokeswoman Shelly Diaz said Wednesday. The agency had lifted the quarantine and was trying to find the animal a permanent home when it died, she said.The primate was seized as its owner got off a plane at LaGuardia Airport on Aug. 7. It apparently escaped detection during a flight from Lima, Peru, and a stopover in Fort Lauderdale, Fla. The forest-dwelling creature was spotted after it crept out and perched on its owner's ponytail during the flight to New York.
The owner was questioned and released. He told authorities he didn't realize the monkey's voyage was illegal.
Curse you, Muttley
DENVER, Dec. 27 (UPI) -- A pilot made an emergency landing in Colorado when his plane lost its propeller, but he didn't know the prop was gone since the windshield was covered with oil.
The Great Escape
LANCASTER, Pa., Dec. 27 (UPI) -- A tractor-trailer driver was going too fast when he hit a sharp turn and lost his load, spilling thousands of chickens on a Pennsylvania road, police said.
The driver -- whose identity was not immediately reported -- was being treated for minor injuries Thursday while employees of the truck's owner, BC Natural Chicken, chased down loose chickens in Brecknock Township, WGAL-TV, Lancaster, reported.
Luckily they weren't in the bathroom
DUNBAR, W.Va. — Sometimes you need a police officer; sometimes you need a tissue. Confuse the two, and it could cost you.
A woman in this Charleston suburb was charged with battery on a police officer after the officer said she wiped her nose on the back of his shirt.
Cpl. S.E. Elliott said he had arrested the 36-year-old woman last week after seeing her slap a man, bite him on the elbow and spit in his face. Elliott said the woman wiped her nose on him as he led her into the police station for booking on a charge of domestic battery.
Battery on a police officer is defined as intentionally making physical contact of an insulting or provoking nature with an officer [source].
Thursday, December 27
WTF?
WASHINGTON, Dec. 27 (UPI) -- Door-opening levers are quickly gaining in popularity against doorknobs in the United States, leading some experts to predict the extinction of the knob.
Levers replacing doorknobs in U.S. - UPI.com
Not sure what they mean by "levers" but they can take my knob when they can prise it from my cold dead slippery hand.
For bringing them back, presumably
An Omaha family is suing Heartland Towing for loading up their car and hauling it away — with four children inside.
Fighting fire with fire
BOISE, Idaho — A fire station crew must be a little embarrassed by the way some of this state's famous potatoes got fried.
Boise firefighters returning from a medical call had to turn their hose on the firehouse kitchen after an overheated pan full of Tater Tots melted and set some cabinets ablaze.
The Christmas Eve fire at Station 8 was quickly extinguished, with no injuries. No damage estimate was available.
Investigators were trying to determine why a computerized safety system that automatically turns off appliances when firefighters are called away apparently had not been activated. Assistant Fire Chief Dave Hanneman said the three firefighters on duty might have forgotten to use it. [source]
Clipped from You Think? magazine
AN elephant handler aged in his 60s who was found dead at Yamba yesterday may have been crushed to death by an elephant, police say.
Elephant suspect as circus man dies
Here's what may have tipped police off:
"The man was lying face down and had an injury on his back. The other worker did not see the incident occur and the man was unable to be revived."
Oh yeah, and all the buns were missing from his pockets.
Peace on earth, goodwill to some men
Members of rival Christian orders have traded blows at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem, with four people reported wounded in the fray.
Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic priests were sweeping up at the church following the Christmas rites of the Western churches earlier in the week.
Reports say some Orthodox faithful encroached on the Armenian section, prompting pitched battles with brooms.
Down and out in Paris
The inheritance of US heiress Paris Hilton looks set to shrink dramatically after her grandfather announced plans to give most of his fortune to charity.
Outsourcing Santa
Santa Claus should leave the North Pole and relocate to Kyrgyzstan to optimise the delivery of Christmas presents, a Swedish engineering firm says.
The Sweco consulting firm found Kyrgyzstan was the most logical base to avoid time-wasting detours.
It took into account main population centres and the Earth's rotation.
Russians ban truth in advertising
The Russian government has banned a television advertisement for denying the existence of Father Christmas.
The ad for Eto electrical stores stated Father Frost, Russia's version of Father Christmas, did not exist.
The Federal anti-Monopoly Service said the ad had broken rules for advertisers not to discredit parents and teachers.
It said that declaring that Father Frost did not exist implied that parents were not telling the truth, so undermining childrens' trust in them.
The ad "induces negative relations between children and parents", Andrei Kashevarov, the service's deputy director, told Rossiiskaya Gazeta.
May contain too many nuts
A grey squirrel had to be rescued from a bird feeder as it had gorged on so many nuts it could not squeeze back out through the bars.
The squirrel had "eyes bigger than its stomach"
BBC NEWS | UK | England | Dorset | Fat squirrel trapped behind bars
Girl With Screwdriver In Head Makes Miracle Recovery
A two year-old girl has made a miraculous recovery after accidentally stabbing herself in the eye with a screwdriver.
Girl With Screwdriver In Head, Teagan Gislason, 2, Makes Miracle Recovery |Sky News
Man's 'Dead Skull' Falls Off
"When he came to us late last year, his scalp was completely burnt and within months it came off exposing the skull," said surgeon Ratan Lal Bandyopadhyay.
"Later, we noticed that the part of his skull was loosening due to lack of blood supply to the affected area, which can happen in such extensive burn cases."
The piece came off on Sunday and hundreds of people and dozens of doctors now crowd around his bed in the Calcutta hospital to view the injury.
Strangers Renovate House for Man Paralyzed in Cruel Port-a-Potty Prank
Nothing to add. I just thought the headline was awesome. Full story at link, below.
Breitbart.tv » Strangers Renovate House for Man Paralyzed in Cruel Port-a-Potty Prank
He was probably looking for the cheese
A grandmother was given a festive fright when a dead mouse fell out of her Christmas cracker.
Bett Lawrence had just finished dinner with 20 relatives and had begun opening the cracker with her niece.
She told a newspaper: "I had said to my granddaughter 'what's the smell' and we couldn't work it out until we pulled the cracker."
Lawrence said that her niece had pulled out the dead mouse thinking it was a soft toy.
South Island Grandmother Finds Dead Mouse In Cracker |Sky News|Strange News
Official: 100% hate clowns
LONDON, Dec. 26 (UPI) -- State-funded researchers in Britain recommended that hospitals do away with clown-inspired decor in children's wards because clowns frighten children.
The Space to Care study, funded by the Economic and Social Research Council, found that all 250 children questioned in a survey of 4-to-16 year olds disliked the use of clown-related images in children's hospital rooms, The Daily Telegraph reported Wednesday.
The researchers said even the teenagers questioned in the survey labeled the clowns as "scary."
Wednesday, December 26
Monkey wars escalate
A group of visitors threw stones at a chimpanzee in Alipore Zoological Gardens on Tuesday morning, provoking the primate to pay them back in their own coin.
The chimp kept pelting stones at the visitors for half-an-hour since 9.15am, prompting them to run for safety, ducking the missiles all the way. Fortunately, no one was injured in the brick-batting between the distant cousins.
The Telegraph - Calcutta (Kolkata) | Metro | Stone for stone by chimp
You don't say
LOS ANGELES, Dec. 25 (UPI) -- A beefy gent wearing a red Santa hat and purple G-string in Los Angeles this holiday season not only didn't pass for Santa but failed a Breathalyzer test, too.
Tuesday, December 25
The beautiful game
KUALA LUMPUR, Malaysia, Dec. 25 (UPI) -- A soccer referee in Malaysia resorted to pulling a gun when a game became unruly after he ejected one player from the field.
The New Straits Times said the game official, who also is a police officer, ran to his car to get his gun when players mobbed him for showing the red card to one of them. He fired warning shots in the air.
The newspaper said the referee was taken into custody for suspected misuse of firearms. Five players, ages 23 to 40, were being held for questioning and could be charged with rioting.
Real Scrooge 'was Dutch gravedigger'
He is synonymous with the traditional image of the Victorian English Christmas but Ebenezer Scrooge may have his roots much further afield.
According to Sjef de Jong, a Dutch academic, the Charles Dickens character may have been inspired by the real life of Gabriel de Graaf, a 19th century gravedigger who lived in Holland.
De Graaf, a drunken curmudgeon obsessed with money, was said to have disappeared one Christmas Eve, only to emerge years later as a reformed character.
Man shocked at phone bill for using phone
DARLINGTON, England, Dec. 24 (UPI) -- One British mobile phone user from Darlington is considering filing for bankruptcy after receiving a cell phone bill for more than $54,000.
Ian Simpson, 29, was sent the bill after using his mobile phone as a modem for his laptop to download TV shows, not realizing his contract did not include unlimited Web use, The Mirror reported Monday.
Roll over Beethoven
Animal lovers and those who enjoy cute toys will not be keen on the latest gory range available at a shop near you.
Introducing the adorable (?) roadkill toys.
Pit bulletproof
If you're a pit bull owner who wants to make your dog look even more macho - look no further.
You can now kit your beloved pooch out in top-quality armour, thanks to a US firm that specialises in it.
Suit you, sir
A Japanese clothing company has come up with the ideal solution for men and women too busy to go to the dry cleaner - a suit that can be washed in the shower.
Machine washable and non-iron suits are already available in the shops, but Konaka claims its Shower Clean range is one-of-a-kind.
The business suits can be washed in a warm shower and do not need to be pressed.
Konaka To Sell Shower Clean Suits In Japan |Sky News|World News
Meaty-orology
Paul Smokov doesn't need radar or other high-tech equipment to forecast a major snowstorm on the prairie. He consults pig spleens.
"It looks like a normal year with no major storms," said the 84-year-old Smokov, peering at two of the brown, glistening, foot-long organs on his kitchen counter like a Gypsy gazing into a crystal ball. "That's what the spleens tell me."
It isn't labelled C&A for nothing, dur
As CBS News correspondent Richard Rothreports, the John Lewis Department Store in London has added lots of floor personnel to its lingerie department and dubbed it a "lingerie academy."
The idea is to educate men who are -- to put it nicely -- challenged when it comes to selecting lingerie for the woman in their lives.
Roth says it's really only salesmanship, not scholarship, but the extra attention on the shop floor is designed to help customers who wouldn't know a French leg from a teddy, who find themselves in retail confusion this time of year, and who happen to be mostly male -- men like the one who admitted to Roth, "I have absolutely no idea what i am doing here; I'm completely at sea!"
The other butt-cheek takes us back to Kansas
Pete Bethune will captain the 3 million dollars bio fuel-powered boat Earthrace.
The 78-foot boat will run on natural bio fuels and has zero carbon footprint, and the source for producing 2 gallons of human fat were Bethune wife and other volunteers, who underwent liposuction. The fat juice will run the craft for 9 miles.
» Human fat powered $3 m boat aims to set new speed record! - {Thaindian News}
Monday, December 24
Nuts and chips
OXFORD, England, Dec. 23 (UPI) -- A woman in Britain has had her reindeer tagged with tracking microchips to find the animals should they run away with Santa Claus.
Reindeer owner Sarah Crane said she chose to have her two reindeer fitted with microchips so she can find them if they suddenly join a passing sleigh and leave her Oxfordshire home, Sky News reported Sunday.
Crane said the loss of her reindeer, Snowflake and Prancer, would be particularly difficult for the children whom the animals visit at local parties.
She had the reindeer tagged by Petlog, a company that can track them down via the microchips.
"Snowflake and Prancer have been with us a few months now and have made a big impact on the children," Crane told Sky News.
"We would be devastated if they went missing, but now should they decide to fly away, we know Petlog will be on hand to bring them back for Christmas."
Could take a miracle
ST. LOUIS, Dec. 24 (UPI) -- The monks at Assumption Abbey in Missouri are looking for new customers for their famous fruitcake after a high-end retailer decided to stop stocking it.
For more than 20 years, Williams-Sonoma has sold the bourbon- and rum-soaked cakes in its stores and from its catalog but last year the retailer decided to stop selling them in its stores, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reported.
As a result, orders for the fruitcakes dropped to about 20,000, some 6,000 fewer than in 2006. The monks, who make the cakes to financially support their abbey, are scrambling to market themselves to new customers.
Nutty kitty
When Sarah and Ben Goddard's mail delivery dried up to a trickle, the couple smelt a rat.
But Goddards would have been better pointing the finger of suspicion at their pet cat Georgi, after it emerged a succession of attacks by the vicious moggy left the postman too scared to deliver the mail.
Yesterday the couple told how they only discovered Georgi had taken to catfights after they saw the postie outside and questioned him about him their lack of letters.
He told them he would not be delivering any more mail because the tabby had left him with bleeding fingers after three attacks in a week.
Postman refuses to deliver mail to home after he is attacked by a vicious ... cat | the Daily Mail
Swedish killjoys
STOCKHOLM, Sweden, Dec. 24 (UPI) -- Two department stores in Stockholm have learned Swedish Christmas shoppers aren't impressed by mechanized dildo displays and self-pleasuring rabbits.
Most recently, the PUB Corp.'s Oups concept store took down a window display that featured a mannequin whacking a snow shovel on fake snow banks from which dildos popped up at random, the Svenska Dagbladet reported.
Store manager Tommy Johansson said it was popular with tourists, but evidently not with locals.
Monkey business
MOST FASCINATING NEWS STORY OF THE WEEK
From the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.
In this photo released by Great Ape Trust of Iowa, Ron Andrews, left, of the Iowa Department of Natural Resources watches Brian Eldridge, middle, and Benjamin Beck of the Great Ape Trust, hold two trumpeter swans before releasing them on the Great Ape Trust grounds in Des Moines yesterday. A group of apes called bonobos will name the swans, whose offspring will be released in the wild.
Sunday, December 23
The color of money
On three consecutive days last month, about $150 went missing from schoolbags, which students must store in the hat room during recess. Harry was a victim - he lost $18 - and other students had cash and bus passes nicked. [...] On the fourth day, he placed a mouse trap with a $5 note attached in his school bag during recess. He had squirted the device's main bar and metal fittings with green food colouring, cutting a small hole in the note and securing it on the bait hook with sticky tape, so that the thief would have to wrestle with it, thereby setting off the spring and getting hit with the coloured bar. To his surprise, the thieves took the bait and - after he spread the word among classmates - a witch-hunt began. "I thought 'Oh my God, I might catch these guys'," Harry said. "Everybody was running around seeing who had green on their fingers." [source]
Change will do you good
FRANKFORT, Ind. — Paul Brant considers himself a penny pincher, but his savings in quarters and dollar coins really paid off.
Brant, 70, used more than $25,000 in change to help buy a new Dodge Ram half-ton pickup truck Friday — 13 years after buying another truck with spare change. [source]
Puppy love, Texas-style
At first, Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez lied to the family, telling its members that the dog had died while they were vacationing. Now she's refusing to return the pooch, which she calls Panchito.
She argues that the dog's owners have forsaken the right to keep such a tender animal because they failed to shower him with loving care when he was ill and needed them most. That's triggered a bizarre custody battle that has both sides howling for sympathy. [source]
Police Say Wyoming Woman Stabbed Husband After He Opened A Christmas Gift Early
Headline has the whole story. Let's stay safe this Christmas, people. Curb your curiosity. It's only a matter of days.
KSDK NewsChannel 5 - Police Say Wyoming Woman Stabbed Husband After He Opened A Christmas Gift Early
Saturday, December 22
Not just for Christmas
A Gulf Coast couple is charged with trying to sell their own baby for 30 bucks. Escambia County investigators say it happened in the parking lot of Pet Smart off Davis Highway, in Pensacola. Witnesses tell NBC 15 News, the parents tried to find a buyer at a Pensacola bank, then at a shopping center.
Gonna find out who's naughty or nice
ROSLINDALE, Mass., Dec. 20 (UPI) -- A trail of tinsel led Roslindale, Mass. police to the suspects in a Christmastime home break-in.
Bandits allegedly made off with the presents under Janira Delcompare's Christmas tree, including gifts for her two children, ages four and nine.
The secrets behind medical slang - Telegraph
Rather than hiding behind scientific jargon, young doctors have developed their own dictionary of secret terms for patients and colleagues, often taken from popular TV shows and films.
A Hasselhoff, for example, is a patient who gives doctors in accident and emergency a bizarre explanation for their injury.
It was coined after former Baywatch actor David Hasselhoff said last year that he had hit his head on a chandelier while shaving.
The broken glass severed four tendons as well as an artery in his right arm, which required immediate surgery.
A disco biscuit is the not-so medical name for an ecstasy tablet, while a Father Jack, taken from the name of the drunken old priest in the sitcom Father Ted, is a confused and elderly patient who constantly shouts and tries to get out of bed.
Medical researchers hard at work
OXFORD, England, Dec. 21 (UPI) -- A group of British researchers have found from a close study of the Harry Potter books that magical ability shows "strong evidence of heritability."
"'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' provides a lot of valuable information about magical families that strongly suggests a role for genetic factors," Dr. Marian Knight, a Wellcome Trust senior research fellow, told The Telegraph.
Pet lover
BERLIN, Dec. 21 (UPI) -- A German retiree has been jailed for five months for teaching his dog, named Adolf, to give the Nazi salute when someone said "Heil Hitler."
Freedom of loud speech
BERKELEY, Calif., Dec. 21 (UPI) -- A California judge has ordered a man to stop yelling at small children who use a tot park next to his home.
Friday, December 21
Irony, or something like it
BELOIT, Wisconsin (AP) -- The 91st-richest man in the United States, a roofing company billionaire, has died after falling through his home garage's roof, local authorities said Friday.
Ken Hendricks, 66, was checking on construction Thursday night on the roof at his home in the town of Rock when he fell through, Rock County Sheriff's Department Cmdr. Troy Knudson said.
Hendricks suffered massive head injuries, according to his company, ABC Supply Co. [source]
Health bollocks debunked
They are among medicine's most widely held beliefs – drinking eight glasses of water a day is essential for health, shaving hair makes it grow back coarser, reading in a dim light ruins eyesight. Yet despite their popularity, they are myths.
Exposed: the seven great medical myths - Independent Online Edition > Health
Nothing much changes
He said that high-ranking females could also distort the system because, in the case of macaques, they command more attention before they approve to mate. Since males often have their work cut out for them, they also try to first “flirt” with females, using facial gestures before they advance.
“Being anthropomorphic, this may be like winking or smiling. The male bows and bobs his head, raises the eyebrows and smacks his lips at the female, Gumert said.
Thursday, December 20
Bride to Tie Knot in Toilet Paper Dress
NEW YORK (AP) - Here comes the bride, all dressed in white ... two-ply, extra soft toilet paper. Lovebirds Jennifer Cannon and Doy Nichols of Lexington, Ky., plan to get hitched Wednesday in a public restroom. She'll be wearing a gown fashioned from glue, tape and Charmin Ultra Soft and Ultra Strong toilet tissue.
Caution: Academics at work
SAN DIEGO, Dec. 20 (UPI) -- Scientists in San Diego have proved the theory that Christmas tree lights indeed tie themselves in knots while in storage.
Douglas Smith and Dorian Raymer of the University of California-San Diego published a paper this fall titled "Spontaneous Knotting of an Agitated String" that concluded that knots would form quite easily as strings are moved around.
The study was based on experiments using a washing-machine style bin that tumbled around pieces of loose string. The experiment was run more than 3,000 times using different sizes of string and bins, The San Diego Union-Tribune said Thursday.
While the research didn't offer much help in untangling strings of holiday bulbs, the results could be applied to research into DNA and its distinctive twisted "helix" shapes.
A fate worse than death
Christopher Kelly said he was in Morecambe for a friend's birthday party, but became separated from the group after hours of heavy drinking, the Telegraph reported Thursday.
Kelly decided to take a walk on the beach, but lost his shoes, pants and jacket while escaping from boggy sand. The intoxicated reveler traveled across the street to Morecambe Town Hall, where he entered through an open window, disposed of his soiled underwear and came across the grim reaper costume.
He donned the costume and traveled to a local police station, where he waited for three hours until the facility opened and officers placed him under arrest.
Christmas is coming, the goose is getting murdered
CLAVERDON, England, Dec. 20 (UPI) -- A Claverdon, England, farmer has been served with a noise abatement order after neighbors complained that his geese are keeping them up at night.
Ole Gronning could be fined $40,000 if he does not reduce the noise from his flock of 300 geese, The Daily Telegraph reported Thursday.
Gronning has a temporary solution to the problem -- the flock is scheduled to be slaughtered and sold as food.
Am I blue?
Well, yes.
Paul Karason puts a whole new spin on "feeling blue." For more than a decade, the 57-year-old has been living with a blue face.Grapes 2.0 writes:
Fourteen years ago, Karason developed a bad case of dermatitis, which results in swollen, reddened and itchy skin. He started self-medicating, using a treatment called colloidal silver, which is made by extracting silver from metal.
Often touted by manufacturers as a cure-all, colloidal silver usually is found in a liquid form. Looking for relief, Karason drank the concoction and rubbed it on his skin — something the U.S. Food and Drug Administration does not recommend.
His skin slowly turned blue. [source]
ETA this fantastic picture from the above source:
What a look: a cross between Father Abraham and a Smurf.
And another tyger tale
This one with a happier ending.
CENTENNIAL, Colo. — It wasn't quite as mysterious as a Loch Ness Monster or sasquatch sighting. But rumors of a young Bengal tiger, first reported in late November by a motorist who used a cell phone to snap photos of it being ferried around town in an SUV, turned out to be true.
Colorado Division of Wildlife officials seized the animal on Wednesday after conducting surveillance on a home where there were two reports of a tiger in a backyard, agency spokeswoman Jennifer Churchill said in a statement. [source]
Tyger, tyger!
A 50-year-old man has been savagely mauled to death by two tigers through the bars of their zoo cage as he tried to take a picture of them with his mobile phone.
The tourist is said to have clambered over a safety barrier in order to get a really good close-up picture of the Bengal tigers at the zoo in Guwahati in northeast India.
After he put his arm through the bars of the cage the two tigers attacked him and tore off his arm at the shoulder as his horrified wife and two children looked on helplessly. [source]
Found at Fabulously Jinxed.
Behaving like beasts of the field
NEWCASTLE, Okla., Dec. 19 (UPI) -- A woman in the small town of Dibble, Okla., said she was shocked when she was ticketed for owning a pair of goats that had sex in public.
Dibble resident Carol Medenhall said her goats' sexual behavior and public urination earned her two tickets, KXAS-TV, Fort Worth, reported Wednesday.
For nutty values of "naked"
PALM BEACH, Fla., Dec. 19 (UPI) -- Attendees at an annual March of Dimes gala in Palm Beach, Fla., were shocked when the entertainment -- billed as "performance art" -- involved a naked woman.
After complaints from the lemur community
FORT MADISON, Iowa, Dec. 19 (UPI) -- An employee of a casino group in Iowa was fired for posting a "Dilbert" comic strip in his office that implied his bosses were "drunken lemurs."
The D stands for Dumbass
PITTSBURGH, Dec. 19 (UPI) -- The FBI is holding a man suspected of successfully robbing a Pennsylvania bank this month, only to leave behind an envelope with his address on it.
Authorities allege that while 36-year-old Jay D. Oswalt escaped with cash from a Westmoreland County bank, he left behind the exact location where FBI officials could find him, the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported Wednesday.
Family business
GRAND RAPIDS, Mich., Dec. 19 (UPI) -- A Michigan man who set off to find his birth mother discovered she was closer than he thought -- they work at the same store.
Homeless live above high-price hotel
MILAN, Italy, Dec. 19 (UPI) -- There's homeless, and then there's homeless, as evidenced by a group of Italian vagrants camping out in the attic above a seven-star hotel in Milan.
The 10 tramps took refuge atop the ritzy Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II, just floors above the Galleria Townhouse hotel, where guests pay $5,000 a night, The Daily Telegraph reported.
The secret hideaway -- complete with a washing machine, refrigerator and kitchen sink -- was found by police during a routine service check of the building, which is home to stores such as Prada and Gucci. Police discovered two dormitories filled with clothes, sleeping bags and empty beer bottles.
Holy highway, Batman!
DALLAS, Texas (CNN) -- If you turn to the Bible -- Isaiah Chapter 35, Verse 8 -- you will see a passage that in part says, "A highway shall be there, and a road, and it shall be called the Highway of Holiness. Now, is it possible that this "highway" mentioned in Chapter 35 is actually Interstate 35 that runs through six U.S. states, from southern Texas to northern Minnesota? Some Christians have faith that is indeed the case. [...] Churchgoers in all six states recently finished 35 days of praying alongside Interstate 35, but the prayers are still continuing. [source]
Wednesday, December 19
Belated greetings
A Kansas woman is drawing national attention for a very belated Christmas greeting. Originally mailed just over the border in Nebraska, it took 93 years for a Christmas card to make it to its original destination in Oberlin, KS.
Rest in place
Authorities launched investigations Monday to determine whether rescuers properly assessed an accident scene where a 72-year-old woman was left inside a crumpled car that was towed to a police impound lot.
Woman found in tow yard died soon after crash, officials say - Los Angeles Times
Texas nuts
Ms. McGee, 51, a popular art teacher with 28 years in the classroom, is out of a job after leading her fifth-grade classes last April through the Dallas Museum of Art. One of her students saw nude art in the museum, and after the child’s parent complained, the teacher was suspended.
Although the tour had been approved by the principal, and the 89 students were accompanied by 4 other teachers, at least 12 parents and a museum docent, Ms. McGee said, she was called to the principal the next day and “bashed.”
She later received a memorandum in which the principal, Nancy Lawson, wrote: “During a study trip that you planned for fifth graders, students were exposed to nude statues and other nude art representations.” It cited additional complaints, which Ms. McGee has challenged.
The school board suspended her with pay on Sept. 22.
Give it to me big boy
Female monkeys may shout during sex to help their male partners climax, research now reveals.
Without these yells, male Barbary macaques (Macaca sylvanus) almost never ejaculated, scientists found.
Not with a banger but a whimper
MANCHESTER, England, Dec. 18 (UPI) -- Authorities in England are expected to drop their costly case against a 12-year-old boy accused of assaulting an elderly man with a cocktail sausage.
Please let it be Crockett and Tubbs
Luanda - Two actors were shot dead and another three were wounded while filming a crime drama in the Angolan capital Luanda on Monday when police mistook them for armed robbers, their director said.
Next time, use a beagle
VIRGINIA BEACH, Va., Dec. 18 (UPI) -- A woman was arrested in Virginia Beach, Va., after she posted a video on the Internet of a 2-year-old child attempting to smoke a cigarette.
Tuesday, December 18
Ho, ho, WHOA!
DANBURY, Conn. -- A Danbury woman is facing charges that she groped Santa Claus at the Danbury Fair mall.
Sandrama Lamy has been charged with fourth-degree sexual assault and breach of peace.
Danbury police were called to the mall over the weekend. The mall Santa told police that Lamy had touched him inappropriately while sitting on his lap. [source]
So no change there
NEW YORK (AP) - Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien will return to late-night TV with fresh episodes on Jan. 2, two months after the writers' strike sent them into repeats, the network said Monday.
The "Tonight" show and "Late Night" will return without writers supplying jokes.
Only in America
LONGVIEW, Wash. -- A 3-year-old boy died Saturday when two adults fell on top of him while they were playing on an inflatable toy.
Family members said Jacob Pierce was attending a birthday party at Hoppin’ Houses, an indoor play area that features inflatable houses, in Castle Rock.
3-Year-Old Dies In Inflatable Toy Accident - News Story - KPTV Portland
The thick blue line
HAGERSTOWN, Md. (AP) — A judge has granted a man convicted of armed robbery a new trial because the jury that found him guilty in October also found a wad of cash in his coat during the trial that police and prosecutors overlooked.
A money roll totaling $1,300, a rubber glove and a bandage apparently went unnoticed by police, prosecutors and the defense until jurors detected them while examining the garment during deliberations in October.
Monkey couple birth hybrid
Helena Bonham Carter has given birth to a daughter.
Helena Bonham Carter gives birth to baby girl - Now Magazine
Monday, December 17
Fight the power
(12-14) 17:53 PST NAPA VALLEY -- A Napa Valley middle school's decision to bar a child from class last winter for wearing a pair of Tigger socks has proved costly.
The Napa Valley Unified School District is on the hook for at least $95,000 in lawyers' fees under a legal settlement announced Thursday between the district and five Napa families who challenged the school's dress code.
Tigger outside court yesterday
Sunday, December 16
Walk, don't shimmy
STOCKHOLM, Sweden, Dec. 16 (UPI) -- The Swedish National Roads Administration has rejected a municipality's request to use a sign featuring a woman's shape.
In the name of gender equality, Hassleholm Municipality designed a new pedestrian crossing sign with a "very feminine" female figure, municipality roads chief Anders Servin was quoted Sunday by The Local.
"This has also been fun for Hassleholm, as we are first in the country," Servin said.
The national roads administration, however, rejected the new sign as too confusing, The Local said.
Everybody say awww
BRISTOL, England, Dec. 16 (UPI) -- A British toddler conceived with in vitro fertilization celebrated his first birthday without cake due to its excited parents -- and because they're gorillas.
Children played zookeeper and brought gifts and cake to celebrate the one-year birthday of a Western lowland gorilla named Komale at the Bristol Zoo, the Sunday Telegraph said.
Komale and mother Salome pictured in June. Inne cute?
IVF gorilla celebrates 1st birthday - UPI.com
While writing this, I was listening to "So In Love With You" by Texas
Facebook larnin
BERKELEY, Calif., Dec. 16 (UPI) -- U.S. academics bored with fiduciary ethics and in-group bias scramble up their ivory towers to examine the delicate social effect of poking someone on Facebook.
Cornell, the University of Michigan and the Rochester Institute of Technology all secured grants to carve out their academic foray into social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook, The Washington Post reported Sunday.
Shortage of witnesses?
Chip shop manager Mr Chamberlain, from Stapleford, Nottinghamshire, said he did not see the collision itself, which happened 14 miles away
Betrayed by enormous pockets
LONDON, Dec. 16 (UPI) -- Investigators say a British man sentenced to 5 years for counterfeiting manufactured 14 million phony one-pound coins.
Monkey POWs get Red Cross packages
On Friday, eight species of monkeys and apes got presents as part of the annual Presents for Primates at Lowry Park Zoo. The holiday event is a way to provide stimulation and special treats for the animals.
The "enrichment" helps improve the "social, physical and mental aspects" of their lives, said zookeeper Tracy Crist, who helped toss wrapped boxes to the animals. The boxes contained sunflower seeds, raisins, hairbrushes, toothbrushes, T-shirts, hats and bathrobes. The items were donated by zookeepers and volunteer docents who wrapped the packages for the orangutans, Angolan colobus monkeys, chimpanzees, lemurs and other animals.
"They go bonkers for the raisins in the little boxes," Crist said.
Monkey wars get their Geneva Convention
U.S. Sen. Richard Burr is looking out for the little guy -- the little furry guy who swings from trees and eats bananas. Burr helped secure passage of -- and The Source is serious here -- the chimpanzee protection bill.
This bill amends the Chimpanzee Health Improvement, Maintenance, and Protection Act of 2000. OK, have you guessed the acronym yet? The CHIMP Act.
After chimps have done their patriotic duty as lab monkeys for federally sponsored medical research, they are sent to a haven in Keithville, La. Burr's bill prohibits the National Institutes of Health from calling the chimps back into service.
"Chimp Haven is home to over a hundred chimps which have furthered American medical knowledge," Burr said in a prepared statement. "These animals deserve permanent protection."
Jane Goodall, who has spent much of her career researching chimps, praised Burr.
"I want to send a huge thank you to Senator Burr for his leadership on this issue," Goodall said in a statement, "and his compassionate view of our responsibility toward these thinking, feeling creatures." -- mark johnson
Charlotte Observer | 12/15/2007 | Burr serious about monkey business
Carrying Satanism too far
CORTLAND, Ohio — A teenager was arrested after a leader of the Church of Satan turned over to the FBI an e-mail the high school student had written to the sect in which he threatened to kill his grandparents, authorities said. [source]
Just stick with the pentagram necklaces and goat-sex orgies, kids.
For all your holiday needs
From the outside, it is another two-story brick warehouse on Chicago's West Side. Step inside, and visitors return to a certain back-of-the-comic-books kind of American childhood.
The secret is this: It's the world capital of fake vomit, where it's still made the old-fashioned American way, ladle by ladle, formed and coagulated for the next generation of pranksters and troublemakers.
From Duh News' no-shit correspondent
WASHINGTON (AP) - House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lashed out at Republicans on Thursday, saying they want the Iraq war to drag on and are ignoring the public's priorities.
"They like this war. They want this war to continue," Pelosi, D- Calif., told reporters.
Stray Cat Brings Disease To Local Family
A week after taking in the kitten, the two girls had an itchy rash all over their bodies. Eventually, five of the six Dixon children would get the rash.
"My middle daughter, Kimmy, she never got better, ended up having to go to the hospital and get intravenous antibiotics," James Dixon said. "We discovered it was from a fungus that the cat had."
Stray Cat Brings Disease To Local Family - Cincinnati News Story - WLWT Cincinnati
They were expecting maybe flowers?
Ape guerrillas pose as teenagers in attack shock
ST. CHARLES, MO (KTVI-myFOXstl.com) -- A teenage prank turned into a disgusting attack in St. Charles County. A pregnant woman walks into a Walgreens and seconds later she is covered in human waste. The local teenagers behind it say they are sorry but the victim says sorry doesn't cut it.
MyFox St. Louis | TEXT: Woman Hit By Human Waste Thrown By Teens At Store
And she didn't even turn the meter on
BRUNSWICK, MD - A Brunswick man is lucky to be alive after suffering a heart attack while driving. It's all thanks to his quick-thinking nine year-old daughter who drove her dad to safety.
Your4State.com - NBC25 EXCLUSIVE: Nine-Year-Old Drives Father To Safety During Heart Attack
On the bright side, Al Martino is making a comeback
SLIPPERY ROCK, Pa., Dec. 13 (UPI) -- A western Pennsylvania woman got a shock when she opened her mail box and found a deer head inside.
Sue Garton of Slippery Rock, Pa., said she didn't know what she was dealing with Tuesday afternoon until she touched the object.
"I thought it was a knitted scarf," she told the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. "It was red and different colors."
Plus, he still wants that pony
YOUNGSTOWN, Ohio, Dec. 13 (UPI) -- Five women in Youngstown, Ohio, have purchased billboard space for a message about saying "Merry Christmas" that purports to be from Jesus himself.
Life outstrips comedy
TROY, Ohio, Dec. 14 (UPI) -- An Ohio jail is being painted pink to test the local sheriff's theory that the color is soothing.
Miami County Sheriff Charles Cox told the Dayton Daily News that the idea "basically came off the top of my head." He suggested the color change to Dee Sandy, administrator at the jail, who at first thought he was joking.
Deep and crisp and even
WOODSTOCK, Ill., Dec. 13 (UPI) -- A school superintendent in Illinois says an elementary school's holiday program has been postponed because of a head lice outbreak.
Holiday program postponed by head lice - UPI.com
AND WHAT'S MORE:
McHenry County Health Department spokeswoman Debra Quackenbush
sounds like she needs some urgent attention, too.
Should've asked an expert*
LONDON, Dec. 14 (UPI) -- Tax officials have egg on their faces for failing to distinguish teacakes from biscuits -- potentially costing the British treasury $7 million.
In what was a crucial -- and possibly costly -- error, tax officials for years insisted that a Marks & Spencer chocolate teacake was really a biscuit -- what the United States calls a cookie -- the Times of London reported Friday. Biscuits and teacakes are taxed at different rates; teacakes at a higher rate.
Twenty years later, tax officials admitted their error and said the teacakes were really biscuits after all. And Marks & Spencer wants its overpayment back.
Like that makes it any easier
STOCKHOLM, Sweden, Dec. 14 (UPI) -- Protests from women soldiers prompted Swedish military leaders to amputate the penis of a heraldic lion on the Nordic Battlegroup's coat of arms.
The armed forces castrated the lion after women from the rapid reaction force complained to the European Court of Justice, The Local reported. The operation was done with the aid of a computer.
Saturday, December 15
Rogue elf sought
OTTAWA (Reuters) - Canada's post office and police are trying to track down a "rogue elf" who wrote obscene letters to children on behalf of Santa Claus, a newspaper reported on Friday.
The Ottawa Citizen said at least 10 nasty letters had been delivered to little girls and boys in Ottawa who wrote to Santa this year care of the North Pole, which has a special H0H 0H0 Canadian postal code. Return letters from Santa are in fact written by an 11,000-strong army of Canada Post employees and volunteers.
"We firmly believe there is just one rogue elf out there," a Canada Post spokeswoman told the paper.
Canada Post's popular "Write to Santa" program -- which last year delivered more than a million letters to children in Canada and around the world -- has been shut down in Ottawa until the offender is caught. [source]
Beware of short guys in funny hats with evil leers. That should narrow it down.
Monkey MILFs
A detailed look at long-term fertility data from six populations of chimpanzees, compared with similar data from populations of hunter-gatherer humans, shows that both chimp and human birth rates have similar patterns of reproductive decline after the age of 40.
But where chimp survival drops along with fertility, humans stop reproducing and continue to live for a long time. Some chimps in their 40s are in fact better at reproducing than humans at that age. And contrary to the general case in humans, in chimps old females are preferred by males.
Menopause sets humans apart from chimps - sex - 14 December 2007 - New Scientist
Nutty birthday toooo yoooooouuu
Azy the orangutan turned 30 Today.
Scientist Robert Shumaker was there to help Azy mark the milestone at Great Ape Trust of Iowa, just as he was with Azy in 1983 when the orangutan, then 6, nestled into the arms of the 19-year-old Shumaker, then a volunteer at National Zoo in Washington, D.C.
“We had a little party,” Shumaker said of Azy’s birthday celebration. “I was pleased to find a good watermelon at the store, and Azy, Knobi and Allie had that, a couple bottles of seltzer water and some vegetable chips like carrots.”
Azy the orangutan turned 30 today | DesMoinesRegister.com | The Des Moines Register
A guide to nutty etiquette
Steven Pinker, Jane Goodall and Richard Wrangham sit on the tenth floor of William James Hall munching on Froot Loops. They shriek in unison whenever a stranger enters the room, and they poop all the time.
But it’s OK—they’re monkeys.
The Harvard Crimson :: News :: Testing Monkeys—for Jealousy
AND FURTHERMORE:
“One day I go into the colony room, and see a female hanging upside down, with her vaginal area facing a heater fan in the room,” Hauser writes in an e-mail. “I can’t quite understand why. Then I see her urinate into the fan, and bingo, a new function.” The monkey, Hauser says, had found a particularly efficient way to mark her territory. “This female had worked out how to maximize technology,” Hauser writes, “spraying her urine all over the colony room.”
Right-wing nuts
Brain Training in the true sense, is to recognize the roof needs fixin' and without any skills in this profession you switch off the TV, get up off the couch, buy the materials, then do it yourself. You learn how to fix that faucet or change locks, even repair 'em. You make your own clothes, bake your own cakes, and fix the automobile. That's Brain Training in the true sense. Further Education is Brain Training, so long as it involves future work plans, practical things, solid goals. For those of you who know the Bible, let's direct our thoughts to the account of the building of the tabernacle.
"Goal, Frank-incentives, and Mirth!"
AND
Check out the pic of the dude who's writing about intelligence:
Simian foe infiltrates Christmas
There won't be any broken glass ornaments at Barbara Lacy-Whalen's house this year. Nor will her 3-year-old son, Jack, get into trouble for playing with the Christmas tree. Not since Ms. Lacy-Whalen's gone bananas, so to speak, with her holiday tree trimmings.
Photos by MICHAEL AINSWORTH/DMN
Barbara Lacy-Whalen's toddler-proof tree features soft sock monkeys instead of glass ornaments. 'The best part of it is I'll walk by it, and my son will have taken one of the monkeys down, and he'll be playing with it,' Ms. Lacy-Whalen says.
She decorates the entire tree with sock monkeys in all shapes and sizes. This is her second year with this theme, and she says trading in her traditional blue and silver ornaments has made the tree more fun for her son.
Friday, December 14
Who you calling mouseburger?
TOKYO - Cat and mouse may never be the same. Japanese scientists say they've used genetic engineering to create mice that show no fear of felines, a development that may shed new light on mammal behavior and the nature of fear itself.
Scientists at Tokyo University say they were able to successfully switch off a mouse's instinct to cower at the smell or presence of cats — showing that fear is genetically hardwired and not learned through experience, as commonly believed. [source]
Next up, they're working on making a disloyal dog: he'll fetch your newspaper and take it to your neighbor's house.
Tomorrow Ahmadinejad
An Icelandic teenager tricked the White House into thinking he was Iceland's President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson.
Vifill Atlason, 16, called the general switchboard number claiming to be the Icelandic leader and asked to speak to President George W Bush.
He was passed around but says he got through to Mr Bush's private secretary and set up a phone meeting with him.
Along the way he says he was asked a series of questions about Mr Grimsson, which he answered using Wikipedia.
"It was like passing through checkpoints, but I had Wikipedia and a few other sites open, so it was not so difficult really," he told ABC News.
Vifill says that among the questions he was asked were Mr Grimsson's date of birth, parent's names, where he grew up and when he took office
Avoid what again?
DETROIT -- Words to live by, from a warning label on a small tractor: "Danger: Avoid Death."
That warning was selected Wednesday as the winner of the 11th annual "Wacky Warning Label Contest," sponsored by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch. The contest is part of an effort to show the effects of lawsuits on warning labels.
Kevin Soave of Farmington Hills, a Detroit suburb, won the $500 grand prize for submitting the tractor's "Danger: Avoid Death" label.
The $250 second place was given to Carrianne, Jacob and Robby Turin of Greensburg, Pa., for a label they found on an iron-on T-shirt transfer that warns: "Do not iron while wearing shirt."
Richard Goodnow of Lancaster, Mass., earned the $100 third-place prize for a label on a baby stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: "Do not put child in bag."
Thursday, December 13
World's most impressive hummer
ORLANDO, Fla., Dec. 12 (UPI) -- Famed kazoo musician Barbara Stewart is set to lead a group of outgoing people in Florida in an attempt to break the world record for the largest kazoo band.
Porn has its price
CALGARY, Alberta, Dec. 12 (UPI) -- A Canadian man who used his cell phone to surf the Internet says he was surprised when he got a phone bill for nearly $85,000.
Canadian man shocked by big phone bill - UPI.com
Another great quote:
"I didn't know what to think. I thought there was probably a mistake," said Staniaszek, who was used to paying $10 a month for unlimited mobile browsing on his phone. "So I figured that was the same thing, but I guess not."
No, I guess not.
He was expecting it to be more like vodka
ST. PETERSBURG, Russia, Dec. 12 (UPI) -- A student in Russia was rushed to the hospital Wednesday after trying to set a new world milk-drinking record.
Five students from universities in and around St. Petersburg decided each of them would drink 10 liters of milk in one hour to promote the benefits of milk, RIA Novosti reported.
One of the competitors fell ill after drinking about two liters of milk and was taken to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.
Monkey war troops hit US mainland
BELLEVIEW, Fla. (AP) -- Puerto Rican officials are hoping that some central Florida researchers can help them deal with a monkey infestation.
About 30 patas monkeys have been exported from Puerto Rico to the Florida International Teaching Zoo in Sumter County. Zoo officials have pledged to take at least 300 monkeys and find homes for them with zoological organizations around the world.
Good thing it wasn't shampoo
BERLIN - A man nearly died from alcohol poisoning after quaffing two pints of vodka at an airport security check instead of handing it over to comply with new rules about carrying liquids aboard a plane, police said Wednesday.
The incident occurred Tuesday at the Nuremberg airport, where the 64-year-old man was switching planes on his way home to Dresden from a vacation in Egypt. [source]
Corrections of the Year
In an article in Monday’s newspaper, there may have been a misperception about why a Woodstock man is going to Afghanistan on a voluntary mission. Kevin DeClark is going to Afghanistan to gain life experience to become a police officer when he returns, not to shoot guns and blow things up.
The Sentinel-Review apologizes for any embarrassment this may have caused.
Regret the Error » Crunks 2007: The Year in Media Errors and Corrections
Wednesday, December 12
Gerominoes!
BAKERSFIELD, Calif., Dec. 12 (UPI) -- A cat that spent 10 days in a tree in California, moving higher when attempts were made at rescue, finally jumped more than 60 feet, landing safely.
Tootsie star sees engagements go downhill
ELMWOOD PARK, N.J., Dec. 12 (UPI) -- An Elmwood Park, N.J., doughnut store employee who used a tin cup to try to foil a robbery said he fought the robber so he would "look good" on YouTube.
Dustin Hoffmann, who has worked 10 months at the Dunkin' Donuts shop, said he did not want to look scared if surveillance tape footage of the robbery made its way onto the Internet, The Bergen-Hackensack (N.J.) Record reported Wednesday.
Wood-piles
STOCKHOLM, Sweden, Dec. 12 (UPI) -- A hospital drew the ire of Sweden's national health board after a patient caught fire during a hemorrhoid operation.
Blog poster goes nuts
Inspired by our friend Violent Acres, John lets rip. Highly entertaining.
"But it's on the second page that she shows just how unbearably entitled she is:
How would I have felt, for example, about the new friend I rushed to the hospital one night had she thanked me with a gift card rather than a basket of chocolate-dipped strawberries, each more luscious than the last? Of course, no gift was expected or required, but her thoughtfulness created a bond."Yeah, a bond of "LIZZIE BETTER GET HER FUCKING REWARD, OR YOU JUST WALK TO THE HOSPITAL, BEE-YATCH!". Some bond. I got news for you Lizzie, maybe you expect a fucking reward for being a decent human being, but the rest of us grew up. You know what I want for rushing a friend to the hospital? The "reward" of having not having their funeral be the next time we hang out together. What kind of jackoff entitlement bitch douchewad gets pissed because they didn't get fucking gourmet candy as a reward for not letting a friend die? CANDY. How old is this bitch, three?
http://www.bynkii.com/archives/2007/12/liz_pulliam_weston_is_a_selfce.html
Drawing a line in the er sand
Suggestive pink Santa panties targeting young girls are being removed from Wal-Mart stores after parents objected to the offensive undergarments.
The panties, which were sold in the juniors department, seemed to suggest that girls don't need money, they just need a sugar daddy — in this case Santa Claus.
The hipster briefs - carrying the slogan "Who needs credit cards ..." on the front and "When you have Santa" on the derriere — caused an uproar among parents, who called for the $2.96 drawers to be pulled off the racks.
"We have directed our stores to remove this merchandise from our shelves," Linda Brown Blakely, a spokeswoman for Wal-Mart, told FOXNews.com Wednesday. [source]
And wearing only one sock
MANCHESTER, England, Dec. 11 (UPI) -- An engineer investigating a stoppage in the baggage conveyor belt at a British airport discovered a missing 2-year-old girl.
The child survived her ride on the belt at Manchester Airport with only cuts and bruises, Sky News reported.
The firemen have won
On the first Friday in November, Hart Middle School Principal Willie Bennett Jr. pulled dozens of students out of class for an important assignment: He needed them to cart away piles of books and toss them in the Dumpster.
From 9 to 11:30 a.m., these students set about gutting the old stock from the newly renovated library. The books had been piled high in a spare room. Katherine Buchholz, a Hart teacher, says many of the discarded books were either brand-new or still in good shape, including works by Shakespeare and a huge section devoted to African-American history. “It was so bad that children were rescuing and hiding books in their rooms because they thought they should be in the library,” she says. Now, Buchholz adds, the new library doesn’t have enough books: “It’s nothing. None of it is research-worthy.”
Indeed, the library’s shelves are far from full. Bennett says community groups, parents, teachers, and students had ample time to save whatever books they wanted and that the books that ended up in the trash were too old to go in the new library, which is named after Rosa Parks. He doesn’t understand why the book dumping caused such a stir. “This was for the students,” he says. “The library is for the students.”
Well they own everything else
DALLAS (CBS 11 News) ― They're marketed as the all-American girls, each representing a different period in American history. But CBS 11 found the American Girl dolls that teach our heritage aren't really American.
Susan Mobley has purchased several American Girl dolls over the years for her daughter, Heather. But the Mobleys recently discovered these dolls are only American in name. If you look closely, you'll see a tag on the box that says "Made in China."
And now, on a lighter note
CHICAGO -- Conrad Black, once one of the world's most powerful press barons, will spend 6 1/2 years in a U.S. federal prison for stealing millions from Hollinger International Inc., a judge ruled Monday.
From: Some nuts of the year
Mind the gap, you filthy, sex-starved, Sudoku-playing perverts
Emma Clarke, whose smooth, unflappable voice for years has been warning riders of the London Underground to "mind the gap," was fired in November for recording spoof announcements mocking Americans, Sudoku fans and sweaty commuters, among others.
Clarke, the official voice of the Tube for the last eight years, made the recordings as "just a bit of a laugh" and posted them on her Web site. Among them:
"Would the passenger in the red shirt pretending to read the paper but who is actually staring at that woman's chest please stop. You are not fooling anyone, you filthy pervert."
"Would passengers filling in answers on their Sudokus please accept that they are just crosswords for the unimaginative and are not in any way more impressive just because they contain numbers."
"We would like to remind our American tourist friends that you are almost certainly talking too loudly."
"Here we are crammed again into a sweaty Tube carriage ... If you're female, smile at the bloke next to you and make his day. He's probably not had sex for months."
A Tube spokesman told the Evening Standard: "London Underground is sorry to have to announce that further contracts for Miss Clarke are experiencing severe delays."
Can't travel over the holidays? You'll be glad after reading this
Thanks, Towse!
The war against Bill O'Reilly's blood pressure
There was a list that wasn't checked twice before being sent to parents at Oak Grove Elementary School. A school newsletter left out Christmas Day as an important date to remember in December.
Christmas Day not Included in Important Dates in School Newsletter - FOX16.com
Tuesday, December 11
Anecdotal evidence
TRAVERSE CITY, Mich., Dec. 11 (UPI) -- A northwestern Michigan man has learned large wild turkeys can fly after one crashed through a third-story window of his house at high speed.
Paddington Bear faces questions on asylum status
The opening story of Paddington Here and Now, to be published next June to mark his 50th anniversary, begins when Paddington finds that the shopping trolley he's left outside the supermarket has vanished and he goes to the police to report it missing. The junior constable he meets soon discovers that Paddington is from darkest Peru, a straightforward admission from another era which takes on a different resonance in the current feverish climate surrounding issues of immigration.
Paddington Bear faces questions on asylum status | News | Guardian Unlimited Books
A boy's gotta do what a boy's gotta do
PHILADELPHIA, Dec. 11 (UPI) -- A curious kid just couldn't resist temptation and hit an emergency button that triggered a sea of fire suppression foam at a Philadelphia airport hanger.
The expanse of white foam not only filled the hanger Saturday but it spilled out onto the tarmac where the wind blew puffs of it into the air like a snow storm.
The incident at Northeast Airport occurred during Agusta Aerospace's family day outing. Authorities said an employee's child hit a button that said "Don't hit button unless in an emergency" WPVI-TV in Philadelphia reported.
It's the puddings that are really dangerous
LONDON, Dec. 10 (UPI) -- The British Forces Post Office ordered that 650 Christmas crackers -- novelty items that make a popping sound -- be defused before going to the military.
The crackers, which create tiny explosions when a tab is pulled, were bound for British troops serving in combat areas, but the post office said they could not be accepted on "safety" grounds until they were defused, it was reported Monday.
"Christmas crackers are classified as dangerous air cargo and therefore require special handling," a Ministry of Defense spokesman told the Telegraph.
Monday, December 10
Chimp Art
A half-century after Jackson Pollock’s heyday here, a local resident wants to push for a new breed of paint splatterers: a colony of chimps.
For the last decade Audra Allen has devoted her life to providing art therapy to a loose network of captive chimps in the United States and Britain. Now, rather than drop in on them periodically, she wants to build a permanent refuge where the animals can come to live and to spread paint — both to mitigate the depression of captivity, she said, and to reframe the old “Is It Art?” question.
Now you know why they call it a cat scan
A 12-week-old Siberian tiger from a zoo in Ohio has been receiving care at a Long Island clinic for a disorder so severe that just a few days ago, she was almost put to sleep.
CBS 2 and WCBSTV.COM has obtained the incredible images of the cub undergoing treatment, including MRIs and CT scans at the New York Veterinarian Specialty Center in Farmingdale.
wcbstv.com - Tiger Cub Undergoes CT Scans At Long Island Clinic
Plus, she asked for no anchovies
Housekeeping staff at the Hermitage Hotel in Mount Cook were called to help an American guest who complained she could not get her pizza out of the microwave.
It turned out she had in fact put the pizza in the safe in her room and activated the lock.
Pizza lockdown confuses tourist - 07 Dec 2007 - NZ Herald: New Zealand National news
Not to mention beautiful plumage
PATRAS, Greece, Dec. 9 (UPI) -- A parrot facing a parking ticket in the Greek city of Patras is at the center of a legal dispute regarding the bird's alleged extroverted nature.
At least they stay in at weekends
LIVINGSTON, Texas, Dec. 9 (UPI) -- Texas Death Row inmates apparently have that certain something that drives European women wild, despite significant obstacles to a lasting relationship.
The Dallas Morning News said Sunday that despite the fact the men live overseas and are scheduled to be executed, European women such as Romina Deeken have fostered relationships with the inmates recently.
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