Restless knob syndrome, maybe

A 52-year-old Rochester man, arrested four days after being released from jail on new charges of exposing himself in public, pleaded guilty to the charges Friday and blamed a prescription drug for his actions.

Michael Lynn Shirk-Heath told Olmsted District Judge Robert Birnbaum that at the time of the latest offenses, he was on a drug for restless leg syndrome. He said one of the side effects is increased sexual desire.

Postbulletin.com: Man admits to exposing himself - Tue, Jan 29, 2008

On duty is a whole nother matter

AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - The Dutch interior minister wants police officials to stop using soft drugs when they are off-duty as it tarnishes the image of the force.

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

Give evolution a chance

Maybe the free cake will sway a few people to the godless view.

redbankgreen: TALKING MONKEYS: ON DARWIN & RELIGION

Like putting your whole mouth right in the dip

OUR annual national snacking binge is almost here. It would take a very large bowl indeed to hold all the guacamole mashed from the more than 100 million avocados that are consumed on Super Bowl Sunday. (My rough calculation gives a hemisphere bowl 20 yards in diameter and 3 times the height of the goal post crossbars.) And guacamole is just one of many dips that will be shared around the TV.

Just in time, a scientific report has some new findings that may cause football fans to take a second look at that communal bowl of dip.

The study, to be published later this year in the Journal of Food Safety, is the only one I’ve ever seen to proclaim that it was inspired by an episode of “Seinfeld.” It was conducted as part of a Clemson University program designed to get undergraduate students involved in scientific research. Prof. Paul L. Dawson, a food microbiologist, proposed it after he saw a rerun of a 1993 “Seinfeld” show in which George Costanza is confronted at a funeral reception by Timmy, his girlfriend’s brother, after dipping the same chip twice.

Dip Once or Dip Twice? - New York Times

Of course, he's an excellent driver, excellent driver

PLYMOUTH, England, Jan. 30 (UPI) -- British emergency workers said a 9-year-old autistic boy took the steering wheel of his mother's car after she blacked out, and steered the car to safety.

Autistic boy grabs wheel when mom faints - UPI.com

Cate who?

LONDON, Jan. 30 (UPI) -- Prince Philip mistook Oscar-winner Cate Blanchett for a DVD technician at a social gathering, the newspaper said.

Instead of recognizing the actress for her film work in which she played Elizabeth I two times, the 86-year-old duke of Edinburgh asked her for advice on how to plug in his broken DVD player, the Daily Mail reported Wednesday.

Prince Philip blanks on Cate Blanchett - UPI.com

MCN says: Could have been worse. Imagine being mistaken for Prince Philip.

Playtime for Grandma

Like most playgrounds, it is filled with smiling faces and laughter.

But these faces have seen more of life than you might expect, and the laughter is a little more mature in tone.

Britain's first playground for the over-60s opens today in Manchester.

Playtime for Grandma: Council opens new playground for the over-60s | the Daily Mail

Tongue in cheek

A human tongue has been served up in a hospital canteen's chicken risotto — and bosses reckon it was accidentally dropped into the food by a doctor.

Slovenian officials are investigating after a doctor complained about a strange piece of meat on his plate.

Ananova.com revealed the doctor insisted it was not chicken and after some intense bickering it was sent away for tests — and found to be part of a human tongue.

Inspectors have closed the canteen in Izola, southern Slovenia, to review hygiene standards.

Bosses believe a doctor could have unwittingly dropped the tongue in the food after treating a patient.

A hospital spokesman insisted: "I can say clearly that we have never used patients' parts in any of our dishes."

Human Tongue Accidentally Served Up in Hospital -- Fox News

Message in a bottlefish

TOKYO (AFP) - A letter that a young girl in Japan sent into the sky in a balloon some 15 years ago has been found on a fish hauled from 1,000 metres (3,300 feet) below the Pacific.

A fisherman found the still legible piece of paper sitting on a sticky flatfish in his catch on Thursday, along with a torn-off string and the fragment of a red balloon.

He opened the folded paper, discovering it was a handwritten letter from a six-year-old girl at an elementary school in Kawasaki, 150 kilometres (93 miles) away from where the fish was caught off Choshi port.

The sender, Natsumi Shirahige, and her friends released letters as part of events to mark the school's 120th anniversary, which was in 1993.

Japanese girl's letter returned 15 years later ... by fish -- Yahoo! News

Go for broke

PARIS (Reuters) - A drunk broke off his rendition of a Charles Aznavour song to ask rush-hour Paris commuters for 50,000 euros (37,109 pounds) on Wednesday, inspired by the scale of the trading scandal at French bank Societe Generale.

"Got five euros sir? No? Maybe 50,000 euros then. I'm not a banker. I'd bet it on the horse-races," said the drunk, who got no money but plenty of laughs.

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

Prisoners liberated

EIGHTY-eight monkeys have been liberated from the unimaginable horrors of a medical lab and flown to Dorset in the largest rescue of its kind in the world.

The saved capuchin monkeys are today settling into their individual VIP bedrooms at the ape rescue sanctuary Monkey World, near Wool.

Freed from their solitary cages in a lab in Santiago, Chile, in which some have been confined for more than 20 years, only taken out for invasive medical experiments, it is hoped they can be rehabilitated and settled into social groups.

Monkeyworld To The Rescue (from Thisisdorset)

Rough justice

(AP) A Glenn County sheriff's deputy shot a man with a Taser gun for allegedly riding his bike at night without proper lighting.

Deputy Uses Taser On Fleeing Bicyclist , Deputy Shoots Man With Taser Gun For Allegedly Riding Without Proper Lighting - CBS News

Taste and try before you buy

SHORELINE, Wash., Jan. 29 (UPI) -- Sheriff's officials in King County, Wash., said a man bit off part of a prostitute's ear when he thought she was trying to skip out before completing business.

Man bites off chunk of prostitute's ear - UPI.com

Ready for take-off

FRANKFURT (Reuters) - German nudists will be able to start their holidays early by stripping off on the plane if they take up a new offer from an eastern German travel firm.

Travel agency OssiUrlaub.de said it would start taking bookings from Friday for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom, planned for July 5 and costing 499 euros (370 pounds).

"It's expensive, I know," managing director Enrico Hess told Reuters by phone. "It's because the plane's very small. There's no real reason why a flight in which one flies naked should be more expensive than any other."

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

Ashes to ashes

WARSAW (Reuters) - Red tape is preventing a Polish man from returning from the dead.

Piotr Kucy, 38 and from the city of Polkowice in southwest Poland, was wrongly identified by authorities last August as a drowned man, only to show up a few days after his own funeral.

Despite pointing out the fact that he was alive to government officials, Kucy still remains dead in official records, stopping him from working and paying social insurance.

But on the bright side, a local newspaper reported on Tuesday, he no longer needs to pay taxes.

"We are nearly through January, and my documents still say I'm dead," Kucy told Gazeta Wyborcza, adding: "It's a bit of a joke." But a registry office official was adamant about the situation. "This citizen does not exist," she told the paper.

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

Religious nuttery, pt. 1247

TORONTO, Jan. 28 (UPI) -- A Canadian beauty queen said she was fired as a judge at a Toronto beauty pageant after officials discovered that she reads tarot cards.

Stephanie Conover, who was crowned Miss Canada Plus in 2007, said she was invited to be a judge at the Feb. 2 Miss Toronto Tourism pageant, but was fired after she listed reiki -- a Japanese healing technique that involves the transfer positive energy to a sick person -- and tarot cards as hobbies in her bio, the Toronto Sun reported Monday.

"We just got her bio a week ago and we don't agree with it," said Karen Murray, Miss Toronto Tourism pageant director. "We want someone down to earth, not someone into the dark side or the occult."

The pageant sent a letter Thursday to the Miss Canada Plus group, explaining that "our board of directors has eliminated her as a judge as tarot card reading and reiki are the occult and is not acceptable by God, Jews, Muslims or Christians. Tarot card reading is witchcraft and is used by witches, spiritists and mediums to consult the dark world."

Conover said she may take the Miss Toronto Tourism to court or a human rights tribunal.

Beauty judge fired over tarot cards - UPI.com

MCN says: Doubtless it's essential to maintain the intellectual and spiritual underpinnings of the practice of walking down a catwalk in a swimsuit.

Zero tolerance gone mad, pt. 896

LEWISVILLE, Texas, Jan. 28 (UPI) -- Prosecutors dropped charges against a Lewisville, Texas, teenager after they decided that sniffing hand sanitizer isn't a crime.

Charges against the 14-year-old student were dropped after prosecutors decided that hand sanitizer isn't an abusive inhalant under the Texas Health and Safety Code, The Dallas Morning News reported Monday.

"It's not a crime. Hand sanitizer does not fall within that statute," said Jamie Beck, first assistant district attorney in Denton County, Texas. "The police agency brought it up mistakenly thinking it was."

The boy was charged after rubbing his teacher's hand sanitizer on his hands at Killian Middle School and then smelling them. The boy's father quoted school officials as saying his son "inhaled heavily." However, the father said his son sniffed the substance "because it smelled good."

Prosecutors drop sanitizer-sniffing case - UPI.com

Pipe coupling

Abstract

A method and apparatus for coupling pipe, and installing coupled pipe in a trenchless installation, the pipe being adapted for use as a watermain or the like. Lengths of watermain pipe are provided with a bell at each end, and connecting nipples adapted to be received within opposing bells, to effect a fluid-tight seal. As lengths of watermain are urged into a trenchless tunnel, opposing bell-end faces withstand the force being exerted on the pipe sections, so that damage is avoided and a sealed underground pipe installation is economically and quickly effected.

United States Patent: 5316352

Printing method employing planographic printing plate material

The necklace-shaped colloidal silica to be used in the invention is a generic term of an aqueous dispersion system of a spherical silica having a primary particle size of the order of nm. The necklace-shaped colloidal silica to be used in the invention means a "pearl necklace-shaped" colloidal silica formed by connecting spherical colloidal silica particles each having a primary particle size of from 10 to 50 .mu.m so as to attain a length of from 50 to 400 nm. The term of "pearl necklace-shaped" means that the image of connected colloidal silica particles is like to the shape of a pearl necklace.

United States Patent: 7024997

Leave 'em wanting more

Run, Forrest, run

CINCINNATI -- Searchers on the ground and in a sheriff's department helicopter Monday were looking for an Angus steer that postponed its date with a slaughterhouse by bolting out a gate that had been inadvertently left open.

The more than 1,000-pound animal escaped from a slaughterhouse holding pen Monday morning and ran into the woods of suburban Cincinnati, according to Colerain Township police and the Hamilton County Sheriff's Office.

Steer escapes from Ohio slaughterhouse - 01/28/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

And I'm the Queen of Sheba

A recent trip to California turned into a tense situation for Charleston Mayor Danny Jones. 

Jones was detained for a short time at John Wayne Airport in Orange County after trying to use an expired driver's license to board the plane.

He had to flip open a copy of a locally produced magazine, with his picture inside identifying him as the mayor of Charleston, before officials would finally let Jones fly back home.

"I think that magazine may have saved the day," Jones said.

Charleston Daily Mail

Method of cutting a slaughtered bird from vent to breast

FIG. 1 shows a number of frames 7 to 12 inclusive of which the frames 10 and 12, provided with guideways, are stationary and the frame 7 to 9 inclusive and 11 rotate jointly around the shaft 1. The frames 9 and 11 support an operating unit 13, the rod 14 of which is driven both rotatably and vertically by driving means, not shown, while holding at its lower extremity the round cutting knife 15 with the guide pin 16. This known combination of cutting knife 15 and the guide pin 16 serves to make a round cut around the arse from where the cut directed toward the breast point is to be made. During this treatment the bird is secured in position between the fixed detent 17 and the movable detent 18 which can turn around the pin 19 and whose driving cam 20 co-operates with the curved track 12a.

United States Patent: 4339849

Human haemopoietic maturation factor

3. The method of claim 2, wherein the polypeptide is administered to a patient suffering from leukemia.
4. The method of claim 2, wherein the polypeptide is administered to a patient suffering from a blood-related disorder.
5. The method of claim 1, wherein the polypeptide is (b).
6. The method of claim 5, wherein the polypeptide is administered to a patient suffering from leukemia.
7. The method of claim 5, wherein the polypeptide is administered to twat a patient suffering from a blood-related disorder.

United States Patent: 6790826

Perp-walk of the week

William Torres is escorted by Allentown Police from the police station to the jail. (ROB KANDEL/TMC / January 26, 2008)

Allentown man charged in two homicides -- themorningcall.com

Post box or CHEESE?. Possibly the hardest test in the world!

Postboxes and cheese are two of the most commonly confused items in the world, ever.* Can you tell the subtle differences? Take this test to find out! Thanks to Rob Manuel for the code, without which you would be none the wiser to your ability to tell apart postboxes and cheese!

Post box or CHEESE?. Possibly the hardest test in the world!

What, no priest, no rabbi?

CARLISLE, Pa. -- Barflies, forget having to talk your troubles over with a bartender.

A pastor plans to put teams of chaplains in local bars in this central Pennsylvania town so they can lend a sympathetic ear to patrons who may need one.

The chaplains won't preach against drinking or evangelize when the program starts at Market Cross Pub, organizer Chuck Kish said.

"We're simply going to be there to help anybody who wants it. Sometimes people really just want somebody they can talk to who is not going to be judgmental, but be sympathetic," he said.

A pastor walks into a bar ... to listen - 01/26/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

Film star chimp to write his story

He is a true Hollywood star, plucked from obscurity to play a leading role in a series of hit films before overcoming an addiction to alcohol and cigars.

Now, Cheeta the Chimp who is 75 and is listed in the Guinness World Records as the oldest living non-human primate, is to publish his memoirs.

The chimpanzee, who lives in California and whose real name is Jiggs, has been approached by the publisher Fourth Estate.

Film star chimp to write his story - Telegraph

Male rape for fun and profit

(AP) The son of Gov. Kathleen Sebelius is peddling a board game titled "Don't Drop the Soap," a prison-themed game he created as part of a class project at the Rhode Island School of Design.

Son Of Kan. Governor Creates Board Game , Kansas Governor's Son Creates Prison-Themed Board Game As Part Of College Project - CBS News

MCN says: Here are some more hilarious quotes about people being violated, brutalised and murdered while under state control:

The site describes "Don't Drop the Soap" as a game "Where no one playing enters through the front door!"

"Fight your way through 6 different exciting locations in hopes of being granted parole," the site says. "Escape prison riots in The Yard, slip glass into a mob boss' lasagna in the Cafeteria, steal painkillers from the nurse's desk in the Infirmary, avoid being cornered by the Aryans in the Shower Room, fight off Latin Kings in Gang War, and try not to smoke your entire stash in The Hole."

The game includes five tokens representing a bag of cocaine, a handgun and three characters: wheelchair-using 'Wheelz," muscle-flexing "Anferny" and business suit-clad "Sal 'the Butcher.''

Isn't that hilarious? What next? Bulgarian Orphanage Food-Fight? Somali Child-Soldier Paintball?

Nostalgia trip

AN adventure park offers a journey back to the Soviet Union with KGB interrogation methods and "beatings" with a leather belt.

The 1984 Soviet Union theme park is located outside the Lithuanian capital Vilnius in an old bunker which served as a secret TV station in case of a nuclear attack.

Visitors to the park pay to be "beaten, interrogated and shouted at" by tour leaders dressed as agents of the Russian secret police, the KGB.

Gulag tourists line up for 'KGB beatings' | The Daily Telegraph

Why not take all of me?

South Korean singer Na Hoon-a has offered to expose himself on a live TV show to prove that he has not been castrated in a love quarrel.

Speaking at a packed news conference in Seoul, the 60-year-old denied a Japanese gangster had dismembered him.

Reports claimed Hoon-a upset the mobster for having a relationship with his favourite actress.

As he unbuttoned his trousers the star said: "Do I have to show you, or would you just believe me?"

As the crowd shrieked their responses, he told them he was prepared to prove there was no damage "down there".

Hoon-a then pulled his trousers back up having only revealed the top of his white underpants.

BBC NEWS | Entertainment | Korean star ends castration claim

Don't do the crime if you can't spare a dime

(AP) A Salvation Army worker who was ordered by a judge to spend a night homeless for stealing a holiday kettle containing about $250 returned to court Friday with red eyes and red cheeks.

Nathen Smith who was fitted with a GPS device to track his moves, spent Thursday night ducking in and out of government buildings for warmth, including a stop at the Lake County sheriff's office.

Smith also walked through a park, but did not go under a bridge where many of Painesville's homeless sleep, probation supervisor David Washlock said.

Man Spends Night Homeless As Sentence , Man Spends Night On The Streets As Punishment For Stealing Salvation Army Collection Kettle - CBS News

Cheers, you're under arrest!

(AP) If you're served a pitcher of authentic sangria in a Virginia restaurant, someone's breaking the law.

Since 1934, the state has prohibited mixing wine or beer with spirits. Frances McDonald, vice president of La Tasca Spanish Tapas Bar and Restaurants, found that out the hard way when his Alexandria location was cited for violating the sangria ban in 2006 and fined $2,000.

McDonald and managing partner Shana McKillop appealed their case to the Alcoholic Beverage Control Board on Thursday before going to the Capitol to urge legislators to pass a bill legalizing the red wine, liqueur and fruit concoction.

McDonald said his business received no warning about the ban. He said he was unaware of the prohibition and had he known about it would not have located any of his five restaurants in Virginia. "It's like not being able to serve tequila in a Mexican restaurant," he said.

Bill Would End Virginia's Sangria Ban , Proposal Would Make Authentic Sangria Legal In Virginia; Restaurant Fined $2,000 For Drink - CBS News

Blood from a stone

Liberal Senator Mobina Jaffer is under investigation by the Law Society of British Columbia for allegedly overbilling one of her legal clients, including charging for 30 hours of work in a single day, CBC News has learned.

Law society opens investigation into Liberal senator's accounts

Raincoat

2. The raincoat as in claim 1, said garment further comprising a hood portion integrally coupled to said torso portion.
3. The raincoat as in claim 1, wherein said skirt portion further comprises:
said skirt portion having a circumference substantially equal to a circumference of said floating fisting device.

United States Patent: 6341378

Zoom lens device

For example, JP Hei. 4-57007 A discloses a zoom lens device including a cam mechanism, which causes a lens group held by the lens holding frame to move in an optical axis direction by rotating a cum barrel with respect to a fixed barrel during varying of power and guiding a cam follower provided on the lens holding frame to an intersection point between a cam face provided spirally on the cam barrel and a straight moving guiding face provided in the fixed barrel.

United States Patent: 7307803

World's ugliest plane

 

The IAI EL/M-2075 Phalcon is an Airborne Early Warning and Control radar system in use by a number of countries to give intelligence to maintain air superiority and conduct surveillance. It was developed with a partnership between Israeli Aircraft Industries and Elta Electronics Industries, of Israel.

The Presurfer: The Weirdest Airplane In The World

MCN says: Yes, but who does it remind you of?

This guy, maybe?

Who'da thunk it?

NEW YORK, Jan. 25 (UPI) -- Savannah, Ga., rescinded its invitation to New York firefighters for its St. Patrick's Day Parade because of past bad behavior, including holiday boozing.

Savannah: N.Y. firefighters disinvited - UPI.com

Lasting memorial

BOULDER, Colo., Jan. 25 (UPI) -- A venture capitalist plopped $25,000 down for naming rights for a men's bathroom in the technology hub of the University of Colorado in Boulder.

Because it was an offer university officials couldn't refuse, the second-floor men's bathroom in the high-tech hub has Brad Feld's name on it and a plaque quoting the donor, "The best ideas often come at inconvenient times. Don't ever close your mind to them."

Feld told the Daily Camera in Boulder he made a similar offer to his alma mater, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but was turned down.

School gets financial coup in naming loo - UPI.com

MCN says: Sadly Brad was narrowly beaten at MIT by a bid from the Pisspot family.

Great excuses of our time No. 345: Writer's block

TOTNES, England, Jan. 25 (UPI) -- A Whitbread prize-winning author got slightly more than $225,500 in a settlement after she blamed shoe factory fumes for her career troubles in Totnes, England.

Joan Brady, 67, said she was forced to work on less demanding novels when the fumes from chemicals used at the Conker Shoe Co. next to her former home allegedly caused her legs and hands to go numb, the Daily Telegraph reported Friday.

"It made me terribly angry and it made me ill. I couldn't finish the literary work because I was so angry," Brady said.

Author gets fumes case settlement - UPI.com

MCN says: Keep this one in mind next time you can't be arsed doing any work, on the job or at home: "It's the shoe-fumes what made me (not) do it".

Billabong jumbuck swagman

CANBERRA, Australia, Jan. 25 (UPI) -- Australian word experts at the Macquarie Dictionary Down Under are taking an online vote for the Aussie Word of the Year, a newspaper said.

Tanorexia, slummy mummy and manscaping are some of the funny phrases being included in the vote, the Sun reported Friday.

The new Australian words are said to make many common, yet peculiar situations easy to describe.

"Butt bra" is a term which some Aussies reportedly use to refer to an article of clothing designed to lift the wearer's behind, while a "credit card tart" is a person who transfers credit card balances to whichever provider offers the lowest interest rate.

The combination of the words floor and wardrobe into "floordrobe" describes a floor so covered in clothing it has become the owner's method of garment storage.

Buffs hold vote for best Aussie word - UPI.com

The castle that never was

LONDON (Reuters) - A farmer built an entire mock castle behind a screen of hay bales and lived there concealed for four years to evade planning regulations, officials said on Friday -- but it may be torn down anyway.

Robert Fidler hopes to take advantage of a provision of planning law that allows buildings without planning permission to be declared legal if no objections have been made after four years

But Reigate and Banstead Borough Council in Surrey is not impressed.

"It does not count because the property was hidden behind hay bales," said a spokeswoman. "No one knew it was there."

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

In memoriam

MADRID (Reuters) - A Spanish driver who collided with a cyclist is suing the dead youth's family 20,000 euros (14,800 pounds) for the damage the impact of his body did to his luxury car, a Spanish newspaper reported on Friday.

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

Not quite

Ask H&FJ | Hoefler & Frere-Jones

Power supply processing for power amplifiers

1. Field of the Invention
The present invention relates to power supply processing for power amplifiers.

2. State of the Art
High-efficiency power amplifiers (PAs), including radio frequency (RF) power amplifiers of a type used in RF transmitters, may be based on switch-mode techniques in which a transistor of a final amplification stage is driven between two states, a hard-on state and a hard-off state.

United States Patent: 6781452

The week in nuts

In the journal Animal Behaviour, biologist Michael Steele at Wilkes University in Pennsylvania examines squirrels' caching of nuts. While the furry-tailed creatures made a show of digging a hole in the ground and covering it with dirt and leaves when watched, one time out of five they were faking and nothing was buried.

The proportion of phony caching increased after the squirrels saw their morsels being filched by undergrads who had kept a keen watch on where the nuts were really buried.

Steele speculates that the squirrel brains have an inkling about the intention to steal, by either two- or four-legged thieves.

TheStar.com | Ideas | A week's worth of science news

Could work

Jesus Christ, I Wish You Would Fucking Die LOL!: Lighthearted way to inform your coworkers and dull college classmates that you do not wish to play Scrabulous with them

Facebook's Popular Applications | The Onion - America's Finest News Source

Not the purrfect crime

AUSTIN — A cat snooping around its new apartment found a hiding place where the previous resident hid a stash of child pornography, police said.

The woman who owns the cat noticed it could stick its head in a gap between the pantry and ceiling, then a friend reached into the gap and found DVDs containing child pornography, according to an arrest warrant.

Cat's discovery of child porn stash leads to arrest -- Houston Chronicle

NYPD Bluebell

A woman was killed Tuesday at a farm in Simpson County after she was stepped on by a cow.

Hattiesburg American - www.hattiesburgamerican.com - Hattiesburg, Miss.

The money quote:

"We're not sure if it was done out of malice or if it was an accident," he [Coroner Bobby WIlliams] said.

The show must go on

ROME (Reuters) - A priest who continued saying Mass while the body of a man who died of a heart attack during the service was still on the church floor defended himself on Thursday, saying that is what he would have wanted.

Oddly Enough | Africa - Reuters.com

Germ warfare

Berlin - Scientists in Germany say they have proved for the first time that humans can pass on pneumonia to chimpanzees, the animals widely believed to have infected humans with the AIDS virus. A study published Thursday found respiratory syncytal virus and metapneumovirus in tissue samples from chimpanzees that had died in Tai National Park in the Ivory Coast.

Humans can pass on pneumonia to chimpanzees: Scientists : Science Technology

Snailmail no misnomer

WARSAW (Reuters) - It's official. Postal delivery is as slow as snails, at least in Poland.

An IT worker, after receiving a letter on January 3 that was sent on December 20 as priority mail, calculated that a snail would have made it even faster to his home than the letter.

Daily Gazeta Wyborcza said Michal Szybalski calculated that it took 294 hours for the letter to arrive at his home. He also said the distance between his home and the sender was 11.1 kilometers.

Given the distance and the time, the speed of the letter was 0.03775 kilometers per hour. Szybalski calculated that a garden snail travels at around 0.048 kilometers per hour.


It's official: mail is slow as snails - YAHOO! NEWS

Teacher, teach thyself

An Indiana teacher broke the index finger of a middle school student while they were wrestling each other during an anger-management class, TheIndyChannel.com reported.

Teacher Scott Porter allegedly put the student, Jordan Mundy, in a headlock before telling the kid, "Tap out or something breaks," indicating to the student that he must tap the teacher to show his submission, according to the report.

"I tapped out, and he grabbed that finger," Mundy told TheIndyChannel.com.

The incident started out as horseplay, but school officials told TheIndyChannel.com they are trying to determine "whether or not somebody got angry during that altercation."

Porter resigned from his position and apologized for the incident saying, "I love those kids like they were my own," according to the report.

Report: Anger-Management Teacher Breaks Student's Finger - FOX NEWS

Price includes packing and dead-dropping

OTTAWA -- Canada's official spy souvenir shop is the perfect complement to the country's official spy museum.

They're both top-secret facilities that are strictly off limits to ordinary Canadians and tourists.

Word of the Canadian Security Intelligence Service's museum, featuring espionage cameras, micro-transmitters and other paraphernalia from the Cold War, was leaked to the news media years ago.

But a newly released document indicates CSIS also runs a non-profit "souvenir shop," available only to those with proper security clearance.

"For individuals wishing to purchase items from the Souvenir Shop, they can do so by stating what they want and putting the money in an envelope," say the minutes of a meeting of energy experts at CSIS headquarters in Ottawa.

globeandmail.com: Want to buy CSIS souvenirs? You'll need security clearance

Waiter there's a frog in my salad

(AP) You just don't want to eat some greens. That's how a Brooklyn mom felt when she found a tiny frog comfortably nestled in the leaves of organic lettuce she was preparing to eat.

"I jumped away," said 39-year-old Yvonne Brechbuhler, who described the green critter as no bigger than the tip of her pinky finger.

"I didn't know what it was. But once I realized it was a frog, I was OK," she told the Daily News in Thursday editions.

Ribbit! This Green Isn't Part Of Salad , No Extra Charge: Brooklyn Shopper Brings Home Frog In Lettuce - CBS News

Jeremy Pantsman

"Like very large numbers of men in this country I have always bought my socks and pants at Marks & Sparks," Paxman said in the email - reported by the Mail on Sunday newspaper.

"I've noticed that something very troubling has happened. There's no other way to put this. Their pants no longer provide adequate support."

Paxman said he is not alone.

"When I've discussed this with friends and acquaintances it has revealed widespread gusset anxiety," he wrote.

Feared BBC interviewer on warpath over underpants - 22 Jan 2008 - Feature: Strange but true

Oscar material

The Blue Man Group, whose high-energy shows are known for audience participation, now has to deal with some audience litigation.

James Srodon, a grandfather from California, filed a lawsuit Wednesday against the group, saying cast members took their surreal antics too far by forcing a video camera down his throat during a performance on Oct. 8, 2006, at the Briar Street Theatre on Chicago's North Side.

The Blue Man actors used the "esophagus cam" to project an image of Srodon's mouth and throat onto a screen for the audience's amusement, according to the suit filed in Cook County Circuit Court.

Blue Man Group show makes one Chicago theatergoer see red -- chicagotribune.com

United States Patent: 4594476

Once upon a time there was a pretty little girl named Daffney Jones. Daffney was out taking a walk in the woods one day when she discovered that she was lost. Suddenly she met a wolf and she decided to ask the wolf directions out of the woods, so she could get home. It turned out to be a lucky thing for Daffney because the wolf was very nice and told her how to find her way out of the woods. The wolf said: turn left at the big oak tree and then right at the waterfall, and then go straight, young lady. Daffney followed the directions, and by sundown was home again with her family, and lived happily ever after.

United States Patent: 4594476

Wireless telephone debit card system and method

Abstract

A wireless telephone debit card communications system comprising a radio telephone, a base station, and an end station. The radio telephone includes a processor; a reader for reading a credit amount and a telephone number of a debit card; a writer for changing the credit amount and the telephone number of the debit card; and a transceiver for communicating, using radio waves, a credit signal. The base station receives and relays the credit signal over a communications channel to the end station, The end station includes a switch to generate a first control signal to allocate the credit amount of the debit card to the radio telephone, and to assign a telephone number of the radio telephone to the telephone number of the debit card with a communications path through the base station. The end station also generates a second control signal for changing the credit cunt and the telephone number of the debit card.

United States Patent: 5359182

Hi-ho, hi-ho

Gangs of criminals are hiding dwarves in sports bags and smuggling them onto buses to steal luggage.

The tiny terrors are placed in the luggage hold where they are free to rummage through personal belongings.

Travellers in Sweden are now being advised not to leave valuables in their bags.

Among the bus companies to be hit is Swebus, which operates services across the country.

Gangs Smuggle Dwarves Onto Buses In Bags To Steal From Luggage |Sky News|World News

MCN PC Alert: Tiny terrors. Do not use this one unless authorised.

Spiritual Adoption Program

What is the Spiritual Adoption Program?
It is very simple. Participants in the Spiritual Adoption Program pledge to pray for nine months for a baby in danger of abortion. While this child will remain unknown to his or her 'spiritual parent', God knows who the child is. Many people have found that naming 'their child' helps to keep them focused on the reality that their prayers are helping to save a particular baby from the harm of abortion.

Spiritual Adoption Program

MCN says: You can also buy lots and lots of merchandise, available here. Well, everybody has to make a living, right?

Collaborator fined

Singapore - A cook was fined 4,000 Singapore dollars (2,800 US) for feeding monkeys in a nature reserve, the steepest fine ever handed out for the offence in the city-state, news reports said Thursday. Panneerselvam Arunasalam admitted that he had fed the animals bread on August 5.

Feeding monkeys endangers both the animals and humans, National Parks Board prosecutor M Maniam told the court, according to The Straits Times.

"It alters the monkeys' natural behaviour adversely, as it makes them reliant on humans for food instead of foraging for food on their own in the forest," Maniam was quoted as saying.

Biggest-ever fine for cook who fed nature-reserve monkeys : Asia World

Google Youth

This story is written by my parents as I am still learning to speak words at my 12 months of age. My parents thought I should have an email address reserved that should keep all my memories while I grow up. So they decided to get me a Gmail address. They send me all that's happened in my life during my initial days, months and years as emails to this address. They also created a blog in my name and the memories are shared there and sent as emails... Thanks for giving me my first email id. I will cherish that all my life and will send you an email once I start typing myself.

Kedaar Nandan
Seattle, WA

Gmail: Your stories

Suffer the little children

Dejad que los niños se acerquen a mi (II)

To hell with jetpacks, I want one of these

BRIEF SUMMARY OF THE INVENTION
[0001] This invention is a training system that enables a human being to acquire sufficient hyperspace energy in order to pull the body out of dimension so that the person can walk through solid objects such as wooden doors.

United States Patent Application: 0060014125

Tonight on NYPD Moo

(AP) Thieves in Malaysia stole an adult cow, squeezed it into the back seat of a car and drove off with it, but abandoned the animal when the getaway vehicle crashed into a tree, police said Thursday.

The cow, injured in the crash, was slaughtered by villagers.

Thieves Crash Car With Cow In Back Seat , Thieves In Malaysia Load Stolen Cow Into The Back Seat Of A Car, But Crash Into Tree - CBS News

Because Pissville was too expensive

Russell and Bettejane Manoog's American Sanitary Plumbing Museum, which features toilets through the ages, is moving from Worcester to a new home in Watertown. (Tom Herde/Globe Staff/File 2002)

For toilet museum, a final flush is avoided - The Boston Globe

Human life is cheap, but not this cheap

(AP) An man is accused of offering an undercover officer $5 and 90 pills of the painkiller Oxycotin to kill a woman.

Man Allegedly Offers Cop $5 For Hit , Man Accused Of Offering Undercover Officer $5 And Painkiller Pills To Kill A Woman - CBS News

We hope they'll be very happy together

BEDFORD, Texas, Jan. 23 (UPI) -- Police in Bedford, Texas, are trying to crack the case of a thief who threw an egg at a 7-Eleven cashier and ran off with a burrito.

Thief pelts cashier with egg - UPI.com

Prolly trying to broil a cheezburger

(AP) A cat's caterwauling during a pre-dawn house fire may have saved the lives of five family members, a firefighter said.

There were no injuries, but Wednesday's fire destroyed the garage, a Jeep parked in the garage and a second-floor bedroom at Warren and Diane Busscher's home in Allendale, about 15 miles west of Grand Rapids, said Lt. Michael Keefe of the Allendale Fire Department.

Keefe said the couple and their three children were sleeping when Diane Busscher awoke to hear the family's black cat howling and screeching from the garage, where it spends its nights.

Cat's Caterwauling May Have Saved Family , Cat's Howling And Screeching Credited With Saving Michigan Family From House Fires - CBS News

And served with white wine, to make matters worse

HONOLULU -- Two former golf club employees are charged with theft and cruelty to animals in the death of a pet dog the owners say was cooked and eaten.

Pair accused of stealing, eating pet dog - 01/23/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

Unsuccessful robber shoots self in foot

CHERRYVILLE, N.C. -- Authorities said an unsuccessful robber shot himself in the foot ... by shooting himself in the foot. Police said Kelvin Ethelbert Roberts, 28, botched his plans to rob a Cherryville convenience store by accidentally shooting his right foot.

According to an arrest warrant, Roberts dropped a .45-caliber handgun in front of Gasland USA on Sunday. The gun hit the ground and went off, a bullet striking Roberts in the foot.

Unsuccessful robber shoots self in foot - 01/23/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

MCN says: I wonder where the injury was?

Sorry, nag's off

AKRON -- Kristen DeGroat wants to make one thing clear: Her horse is not on the menu.

Because of a goof at The Saginaw News, a classified ad for her 3-year-old mare, Foxy, ran under the header ''Good Things to Eat'' instead of the one for horses and stables.

A horse for sale among 'good things to eat'? Nay! - mlive.com

Call of the wild

A paramedic who is used to saving the lives of others found himself having to eat rotting beaver meat and fend off snarling animals to ensure his survival while trapped for 96 hours in Alberta bush country.

Trapped paramedic survives 4 days on dirt, rotting beaver

MCN says: This is in the running for the eeewwwest story of this or any other week. Do be sure to follow the link for all the nauseating details -- including recipes!

Another teaser quote:

As a paramedic, he knew people start losing heat quickly from their upper body, so he took a beaver carcass and set it by his groin to help keep his body warm. He used another beaver as a bit of a windbreak and part of its skin as a makeshift pillow.

Make up your own jokes.

ETA: Reuters picked up the story but decided to avoid the cheap-joke zone altogether with this lead:

A Canadian man survived 96 hours pinned under his all-terrain vehicle in the Rocky Mountains by eating rotting animal carcasses, drinking melted snow and thinking of his grandchildren, he said on Monday.

So no beavers at all, and certainly none in the groinal area. And where did those grandchildren come from all of a sudden?

I think we should be told.

Pest control by Acme Corp.

GALVESTON, Texas, Jan. 23 (UPI) -- A Galveston, Texas, family got rid of more than bugs when six insecticide foggers they left running exploded and blasted off their home's roof.

Fire Batallion Chief B. Streck told the Galveston Daily News the call came in around 1 p.m. Monday, and firefighters found "significant structural damage" to the small house, including a roof that shot straight up and came back down almost in place.

Bug foggers and pilot light explosive mix - UPI.com

Some damage caused to sack

The City of Penticton will have to pay $14,000 in damages to the creator of Frank the Baggage Handler, a contentious local statue that drew international headlines after vandals repeatedly damaged its male genitalia.

Now, artist Michael Hermesh is being compensated for the rough handling of Frank and his baggage.

Artist wins lawsuit over statue's damaged privates

Inspecting the troops

THERE was no monkeying around during annual checks-ups yesterday on vervet monkeys at the Werribee Open Range Zoo.

The 10 adult monkeys were sedated in preparation for their injections, blood tests, dental work and overall body checks.

Three-week-old Jed was examined for the first time since he was born and staff at the centre were pleased to discover he was a boy.

Yesterday was the first time he had been separated from his mother.

"When he was born he was hanging out with his mum the whole time," said zoo spokeswoman Leah Grinter

"Now he's starting to venture out."

Jed the monkey shows lot of verve | Herald Sun

Wuff justice

DEWSBURY , England, Jan. 22 (UPI) -- A British man in gothic dress and his leash-wearing fiancee said they were barred from boarding a bus by a driver who told them no "dogs" were allowed.

Goths kicked off British bus - UPI.com

They call him Bullet Wound Dundee

A man rescued his colleague from the jaws of a crocodile in northern Australia but accidentally shot the unlucky co-worker in the process, police said Wednesday.

The two farmhands were collecting wild crocodile eggs on a riverbank Tuesday in Northern Territory when a crocodile snatched one of them, Jason Green, by the arm, the Northern Territory Police said in a statement.

"The male colleague shot at the crocodile, causing it to let go of the victim's arm, but a further shot hit the victim in the upper right arm," the statement said.

Man Shot In Rescue From Crocodile , Man Shoots Co-Worker While Rescuing Him From A Crocodile's Jaws In Australia - CBS News

Bad Baby Names

I grew up with a "grown-up" name (Victoria) and a "kid" name (Tori), as did my sister. I have always liked having both available....so we plan on naming our firstborn son Creighton.

At last! A breath of logic! When he's little, he can be called....Crate of Shit. Or One-Ton Creighton. Or Mr. Defies the I before E rule. And when he's older, you won't know what he's called, 'cause you won't be on speaking terms.

What about Bubba for a boy. a great unusual name

Since when did your Ozark shack get Internet access? Or electricity, for that matter?

I am 7 months pregnant, and I am having a boy. I think i'm going to name my son Kakinston ,, What do you think... ??

Besides sounding like a former Central Asian Soviet republic bordering Uzbekistan, it aids small bullies immensely starting the kid's name with KACK.

Bad Baby Names 3

Bagpuss

"I went to unpack and saw some of the clothes and saw it wasn't my suitcase," Carter said. "I was going to close it, and a kitten jumped out and ran under the bed. I screamed like a little girl."

Carter said that he eventually was able to get the cat to come out from under the bed.

"In the morning, I got close enough to see its collar and the phone number on it," he said. "So I called the number and got a hold of the crying wife of the traveler."

Gracie Mae had crawled into Seth Levy's black suitcase undetected, been put through an X-ray machine, loaded onto an airplane, thrown onto a baggage claim conveyor belt and picked up by a stranger.

Missing cat found in owner's suitcase - 01/22/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

Campaign news

But perhaps the most somber assessment of the former president came today from British singer Amy Winehouse, who called Mr. Clinton’s antics “a desperate cry for help.”

“Bill Clinton needs an intervention,” Ms. Winehouse said. “I hope it’s not too late.”

The Borowitz Report .com

Turf war

From the land of fake tans, fake hair, and fake boobs comes this announcement: YOU MUST HAVE REAL GRASS!

NEWPORT BEACH – Connie Hollstein has one of the greenest lawns on the block – maybe a little too green, as far as her homeowners association is concerned.

Along with two other residents of Newport Beach's Port Streets neighborhood, Hollstein several months ago carpeted her front yard with synthetic turf, an increasingly popular method for saving water, reducing urban runoff and avoiding the endless upkeep associated with natural sod.

But her move incurred the wrath of the Newport Hills Community Association, where board members who disdain the lawn's appearance are threatening steep fines and court action to force Hollstein to uproot the pseudo grass.

Artificial lawns start turf war in Newport Beach - The Orange County Register

Death penalty

LONDON, Jan. 21 (UPI) -- British police say a motorist attempted to evade a traffic citation by posing as a friend and telling authorities that he was dead.

Police said Shafkat Munir presented police with a phony death certificate because he was afraid of losing his license after being caught speeding three times within the space of a few weeks, The Daily Mail reported Monday.

Man faked death to get out of ticket - UPI.com

Bottoms up!

SANTA ANA, Calif., Jan. 21 (UPI) -- Some Californians soon may be drinking water that tastes fine, only it started out as sewer water.

Faced with a water shortage, the Orange County Water District is testing the viability of recycling sewer water -- be it from the sink, tub or toilet -- into drinking water, CNN reported.

"This is actually sewer water," Phil Anthony of Orange County Water District told CNN. "It's treated by sanitation district, then purified even more by us."

Drinking water from sewer water on tap - UPI.com

Wind power

A Swedish university has received 3.8 million kronor ($590,000) in research funds to measure the greenhouse gases released when cows belch.

Sweden To Study Belching Cows , Swedish Study To Measure Methane Released By Belching Cows - CBS News

Bonnie and Clyde they ain't

The Victorian County Court has heard a man and his former girlfriend bungled their attempt to rob a restaurant in Melbourne's east last April.

Thirty-eight-year-old Brooklyn man Benjamin Jorgensen has pleaded guilty to armed robbery and negligently causing serious injury.

His accomplice, 36-year-old Donna Hayes of Belgrave, has also pleaded guilty to armed robbery.

The court heard the pair held up the owner of the Cuckoo Restaurant at Olinda last April Fool's Day, thinking he had $30,000 in a bag, which in fact only contained bread rolls.

The court heard Jorgensen accidentally shot his accomplice in the buttock during the handover.

Judge Williams told the court, "We've heard of the Keystone Cops - this is the keystone robbers."

The pair will be sentenced tomorrow.

'Keystone robbers' bungled restaurant hold-up, court hears - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

One false move and the Redeemer gets it

Anonymous residents on Lindy Lane claim Jean Mansel isn't picking up after her dogs, so to entice her to do so, they took something close to her heart.

Those residents say their Mansel's wiener dogs leave their leavings in their yard.

So, they stole her 80 pound statue of Jesus.

Mansel says she cherishes her cement Jesus statue; it was an heirloom from her late uncle.

WZZM13 - Holding Jesus Hostage

Texas mayor in the Shih Tzu over dognapping

The allegations could bring down the mayor of this South Texas town: a faked death, an attempt to hide the evidence from police, a cover-up story.
And for what? A Shih Tzu.

Mayor Grace Saenz-Lopez was indicted Friday on two felony counts of tampering with physical evidence related to a dog her neighbors say she took from them.

"She loves the little dog," said attorney Homero Canales, who represents the mayor and her twin sister, who was also charged. "She told me that if she were a single woman, she would not care if she went to jail for the rest of her life before she would give the dog back."

Texas Mayor In Dog Fracas Could Lose Job , Texas Mayor Charged In Connection With Taking Neighbors' Pet; Her Lawyer Says She Loves Dog - CBS News

MCN says: Wouldn't you think twice before stealing a dog whose original owners had named him Puddles?

FBI denies file exposing nuclear secrets theft - Times Online

Edmonds believes the crucial file is being deliberately covered up by the FBI because its contents are explosive.

FBI denies file exposing nuclear secrets theft - Times Online

So, no difference there

IT'S the summer of love for Kluet and Karta, but the Sumatran orang-utans have shown that you can't hurry love.

Kluet arrived at Adelaide Zoo from Taronga Park Zoo in Sydney last August to breed with Karta but primate keeper Simone Bayly says the 12-year-old had some serious reservations about romance.

"To start with he was extremely scared of her and she would chase him," she said yesterday.

"Then we had to make the decision to do it (put them together) every single day and then he fell in love with her and now he does pretty much what she (Karta) wants him to.

"She'll put her hand out and if he's got something that she wants he'll let her have it."

AdelaideNow... Love's grand on planet of apes

Monkey takeover continues

JUAREZ -- On the night of Jan. 5, the workers at a small zoo east of Juárez put the animals to bed. They led the four Hamadryas baboons to their heated cabin and closed the door. When they reopened it the next morning, there were five monkeys.

"One of the females was holding a little baby monkey in her arms, like you would hold a child," said Porfirio Silva, owner of Parque Recreativo San Jorge. "We had noticed her big belly, but we didn't know when she would give birth."

El Paso Times - Juárez abuzz over surprise monkey birth at private zoo

Balls-out defiant

THE Naked Rambler has passed up a chance of freedom by emerging naked from court and immediately being arrested.

Stephen Gough, 48, was given the opportunity to end "the vicious circle" of imprisonment by Sheriff Kenneth Maciver. Gough, of Eastleigh, Hampshire, has been in Saughton Prison, almost without a break of more than a few minutes, since May 2006.

Naked rambler nabbed outside court - Scotsman.com News

XLPD Blue

LONDON, Jan. 18 (UPI) -- Woman police constables in England have voiced objections that their uniforms are unflattering for their figures.

"It does wind me up that we get these terrible trousers -- they make your bum look huge -- they are massive around the hips. The force needs to listen to us, the old uniforms are old-fashioned and need updating," a Hampshire Constabulary officer said.

Female police say pants are unflattering - UPI.com

Campaign contribution: one buff bod

HOUSTON -- A mailer from a congressional candidate's campaign contains a photo of his head attached to an image of a different body that makes him look thinner.

The photo is presented as a true image of Dean Hrbacek, a Republican former mayor of Sugar Land. In reality, it is a computerized composite of Hrbacek's face and someone else's slimmer figure, in suit and tie, from neck to knee.

Hrbacek, a tax lawyer and accountant, did not immediately return a call to his campaign headquarters Friday by The Associated Press. He is seeking the nomination to run against Democratic U.S. Rep. Nick Lampson.

Campaign manager Scott Broschart acknowledged to The Houston Chronicle that the image is a fake. Hrbacek has been so busy that he had no time to pose for a full-length photo for the mailing, Broschart said.

Texas candidate alters photo in mailer - 01/18/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

Sorry, duck's off

ST. PAUL, Minn., Jan. 16 (UPI) -- A man who pleaded guilty Tuesday to ripping the head off a duck in the lobby of a St. Paul, Minn., hotel is not a horrible person, his attorney said.

"He's really a nice young man, he's humble, he's hard-working, he was a good student and worked hard to get the job he did," said attorney Michael Colich. "Nobody's been willing to look at what good things he's done in his life and what good things he'll do in his life."

Man apologizes for killing hotel's duck - UPI.com

MCN says: You live a life of exemplary goodness, and nobody notices, but behead one fucking duck ...

Title ripped from Fawlty Towers.

The man who mistook his wife for a scumbag

Thinking his home was being invaded by a desperate escapee from Citrus County Jail, a 63-year-old Beverly Hills man squeezed off a shot from his .38 Special early Sunday morning at a bushy haired figure next to his backyard pool.

The bullet found its mark, hitting the target in the arm.

It wasn't until the wounded person screamed that Ralph Contopoulo, 63, realized he had shot his 59-year-old wife, Lyn, according to a report filed by Citrus County Sheriff's Office deputies.

As Inmate Hunt Intensifies, Fearful Man Wings Wife

The biter bit

MUNSTER, Germany, Jan. 18 (UPI) -- A drunk man in Munster, Germany, was bitten on the face by a dog after he began chowing down on food from the animal's dish.

The man dropped to his hands and knees and started eating from the food dish of his friend's dog in an attempt to exert male dominance, Der Spiegel reported Thursday.

The dog reportedly watched as the intoxicated man invaded his territory and pounced on his face when he crossed the line.

Dog food eater bitten on face - UPI.com

Thief may be music lover

DURHAM, N.C., Jan. 17 (UPI) -- Police in Durham, N.C., said a thief made off with 14 sousaphones -- each worth $3,000 -- belonging to North Carolina Central University.

Thief may be music lover - UPI.com

Must have God SOH

BRAMPTON - A local church has removed a sexually suggestive message from a sign in front of its building after a complaint from the public.

The sign in front of Heart Lake United Church on Sandalwood Parkway usually has inspirational messages on it, according to mother-of-three Nicole Cedrone.

So as she drove home from the doctor's office this week, she took a double take when she read the wording of the most recent sign: "Lying in bed shouting Oh God doesn't constitute going to church." "I have to admit, it is funny, but it's not appropriate for where it is," Cedrone said. "I just think it's offensive."

The Brampton Guardian: Providing Local Community News for Brampton, Ontario 24/7

Freedom of stench

OSLO, Norway, Jan. 18 (UPI) -- A Norwegian court ruled that an Oslo nursing home cannot forcibly bathe the "cave man," a patient reportedly with a Neanderthal standard of personal hygiene.

The 54-year-old man, who was kicked out of student housing at the University of Oslo in the 1970s because of his smell, lived in a cave for a while near the university campus. But his lawyer told Norwegian Broadcasting that his client has a right to make his own decisions.

"He has waited a long time and can now finally decide over his own body," lawyer Nils Nordhus said.

Oslo 'cave man' cannot be forced to wash - UPI.com

A room with a P-U

Available: Vintage, cosy property in urban environment with good transport links. Excellent plumbing, despite a few leaks over the years.

Snobs may dismiss it as bog standard, but if you are feeling flush, this Edinburgh real estate may be worth splashing out on.

The former busman's toilet is up for sale and expected to fetch more than £30,000.

The single-storey lavatory was previously engaged as a relief stop for Edinburgh's bus driving community who had reached the outskirts of the city.

Edinburgh Public Toilet Expected To Sell For £30,000 |Sky News|Strange News

Not a funny story

Robert, now 7, dressed in a Spider-Man T-shirt, testified Tuesday that he put his hands on his mother's chest and didn't feel a heartbeat. He said he called 911.

"She hung up on me," Robert said. "She said, 'Stop playing on the phone.' "

When Wayne County Assistant Prosecutor Lora Weingarden asked him how the operator treated him, the boy replied, "Not good."

DETROIT: Boy's 911 call marked as prank

MCN says: Kid was five, found his mother unconscious, called 911. Operator blew him off. Mother died. All right, she may already have been dead. But really -- how does that change anything?

Exercise is good for you

JACKSONVILLE, Fla. -- A local man says his life was changed when the exercise ball he was using exploded under him, sending him crashing to the ground.

The explosion left Pete Royal with two busted wrists, a snapped forearm and two torn rotator cuffs. The man is now suing the maker of the exercise ball because he says the accident left him out of work for 6 months.

Exercise ball explodes causing man to break arm, wrists - CBS47.com Jacksonville News Leader

MCN says: Here's a picture of the exercise ball in question:

Folk remedies not looking so bad now

WASHINGTON - Parents may be left with only love and lots of liquid to give their sniffling babies and toddlers now that the government is declaring over-the-counter cough and cold medicines too risky for tots. The Food and Drug Administration was issuing that warning Thursday to parents of children under 2.

FDA: Cold medicines too risky for tots - Yahoo! News

Looks like we're back to the tried-and-true cup of tea with a hefty dollop of brandy. For the parents, of course.

This is your brain on rap

GARDEN CITY, N.Y. - Now that surgeons have operated on Stacey Gayle's brain, her favorite musician no longer makes her ill. Four years after being diagnosed with epilepsy, Gayle recently underwent brain surgery at Long Island Jewish Medical Center to cure a rare condition known as musicogenic epilepsy.

Brain surgery lets woman listen to music - Yahoo! News

Stacey's favorite music? Jamaican rapper Sean Paul. To be on the safe side, Stacey's surgeons advised her to avoid Twisted Sister songs.

Damn kids with their roll'n'rock devil music

One of Malaysia's most popular rock singers has shocked audiences and been barred from appearing on a television station for six months after he peeled off his shirt and bared his chest during a live performance.

Faizal Tahir, 29, threw his shirt into the crowd and revealed a Superman-style S painted on his bare torso at the concert in Kuala Lumpur, shown live on national television.

But in the increasingly conservative Muslim society where entertainers must follow strict government guidelines stipulating that they be covered from knee to chest, the stunt drew cries of outrage.

Malaysian rock singer censured for shirtless stunt | News | Guardian Unlimited Music

Wackos in Waco

WACO, Texas, Jan. 16 (UPI) -- A Waco, Texas, woman who violated her probation has opted to "shame" herself, wearing penance signs outside the courthouse, instead of going to jail.

Tammy Caldwell, 40, was given the option by McLennan County Court-at-Law Judge Mike Freeman. She began walking around the courthouse wearing the sandwich-board signs Tuesday, the Waco Tribune-Herald reported.

Woman opts for shaming instead of jail - UPI.com

And still eight lives to go

LOS ANGELES, Jan. 16 (UPI) -- A Chicago woman is upset she's on the hook to pay monthly bills for a veterinary "wellness plan" for her cat months after the animal died.

Sarah Harper, 29, told the Los Angeles Times she paid an enrollment fee last year of $69.95 and agreed to $16.95 monthly payments to Banfield, the Pet Hospital, for her cat to receive regular vaccinations, exams and discounts on a variety of veterinary services.

Her cat died in October, and when she contacted Banfield, was told she's locked into a one-year contract regardless.

Cat's 'wellness plan' alive after it dies - UPI.com

Paging Dr House

A construction worker claimed in a lawsuit claiming that when he went to a hospital after being hit on the forehead by a falling wooden beam, emergency room staffers forcibly gave him a rectal examination.

Man: NY Hospital Forced Rectal Exam , 'Please Don't Do That': Man Says NY Hospital Forced Rectal Exam - CBS News

As we all knew already

Clowns are too scary for kids in hospital and are not the best decoration for children's wards, according to new research.

A survey found that decorating wards with images of clowns was more likely to frighten young patients than cheer them up.

Clowns 'Too Scary' For Children's Wards In Hospitals |Sky News|UK News

Not strong on maths, then

Five hundred thousand brightly coloured plastic balls bounced down the Spanish Steps in Rome in a stunt by an anarchic artist.

Graziano Cecchini, said each of the plastic balls "represented a lie told by a politician".

Spanish Steps covered in balls by Italian artist - Telegraph

All your scientists are belong to us

It may walk like a Japanese robot, but it's thinking like a monkey in the United States. Japanese and US researchers said Wednesday they have created a humanoid robot that acts according to the brain activity of a monkey all the way across the Pacific.

The experiment was part of efforts to develop prosthetic limbs which can be mentally controlled by people with disabilities.

A laboratory in the western Japanese city of Kyoto unveiled a 155-centimetre (62-inch) tall humanoid, with a friendly-looking face including bulging black eyes, who walked via signals coming into its legs through wires.

[...]

"We were able to detect the monkey's brain activity while walking on the treadmill and relay the data from the United States to Japan," the state-backed Japan Science and Technology Agency said in a statement.

Japanese robot walks like a monkey

Pecunia non olet

GENEVA (Reuters) - Bank cashiers and others working with large quantities of paper currency are vulnerable to catching various types of flu from the germs living on notes, a Swiss researcher said on Wednesday.

Yves Thomas, head of the National Influenza Research Centre at Geneva University Hospital, said that flu viruses could survive on banknotes from 24 hours up to 17 days.

Cashiers vulnerable to flu from banknotes | Oddly Enough | Reuters

The hard sell

Animal lovers can breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that a roadside hawker who threatens to harm puppies and kittens unless motorists buy them has been arrested.

The hawker shocked motorists along William Nicol Drive, north of Joburg, by threatening to strangle the animals unless they were bought. He was asking up to R400 for some of the puppies.

IOL: Puppy peddler collared by police

This is your brain on Coldplay

Gwyneth Paltrow spent Monday night at New York's Mount Sinai Hospital for reasons unknown, according to Usmagazine.com.

A witness reportedly revealed to Us, "She was slumped over in a wheelchair pushed by [husband] Chris Martin" and "looked not well."

FOXNews.com - Report: Gwyneth Paltrow Hospitalized - Celebrity Gossip | Entertainment News | Arts And Entertainment

You can't take it with you

The brazen theft of a dead man's wallet at his own funeral has shocked a western Newfoundland congregation, a priest says.

While mourners attended a funeral last Friday at St. John the Evangelist Anglican church in Corner Brook, thieves helped themselves to what they could find downstairs.

The wallet of the man being mourned upstairs was stolen, as was his widow's purse that was holding it.

Dead man's wallet stolen at his own funeral

Don't forget me when I'm gone

Phnom Penh - A Cambodian family thought they had seen a ghost when the husband and father they believed they were cremating turned up alive and well at his own funeral, local media said on Tuesday.

Khmer-language newspaper Koh Santepheap said the family had decided to hold a funeral for Oum Souv, 24, after the dedicated family man went missing for two days and two nights and a subsequent search of jungle nearby turned up an unclaimed decomposing body.

However, the real Souv had been drugged, robbed and left for dead in woodland in a neighbouring village and he came to and made his way home to his distraught family members just as they began cremating the wrong man, the paper said. - Sapa-DPA

IOL: Man shows up at his own funeral

MCN says: Dedicated family man? The dude was missing for TWO DAYS and already they're burying him. Ever get the feeling they were giving you the bum's rush, Oum?

Related news: uk.reuters.com_article_oddlyEnoughNews_idUKL1610505620080116

And keep those headlamps covered

RICHMOND, Va. -- It's one thing to dangle fuzzy dice from a rear view mirror, but decorating a trailer hitch with a large pair of rubber testicles might be a bit much in Virginia.

State Del. Lionel Spruill introduced a bill Tuesday to ban displaying replicas of human genitalia on vehicles, calling it a safety issue because it could distract other drivers.

Watch what you put on trailer hitches - 01/15/2008 - MiamiHerald.com

Chimps are not people

A CHIMPANZEE cannot be declared a person, Austria's Supreme Court has ruled.

An animal rights group had sought to have the chimp, Matthew Hiasl Pan, declared a person in hopes of gaining guardianship of the animal.
The shelter where Matthew has lived for 25 years is going bankrupt, threatening to leave him homeless. Donors have offered to help support him, but under Austrian law, only a person can receive personal gifts.

The Vienna-based Association Against Animal Factories sought to have the chimp declared a person and petitioned to be appointed Matthew's trustee.
But the high court has upheld a September ruling by a judge in the town of Wiener

Neustadt rejecting the petition, the group said yesterday. However, it said it would take the case to the European Court of Human Rights.

Chimps are not people, no matter their plight says court - Scotsman.com News

But selling tickets is frowned upon

RECORDING secret videos of sex with your partner is not illegal, Italy's supreme court has ruled.

Rome's highest appeal court acquitted a 49-year-old man who, unbeknown to his girlfriend, had made and kept films of them having sex. He had faced jail.

DIY sex films get Italian all-clear - Scotsman.com News

No backseat driving here

A family drove hundreds of miles with their dead grandmother in the back of their recreational vehicle to fulfill the ailing woman's wishes.

They arrived in Hillsboro, Ore., on Sunday with the body and notified police. The 79-year-old woman, who likely died in Wyoming, was in poor health but wished to see family members in Arkansas before she passed away.

Report: Family Completes Trip With Dead Grandma in Back of RV - FOX News

Scientists create beating animal heart in lab

U.S. researchers say they have found a way to create a new rat heart by using the structure of the heart of a dead rat and injecting it with stem cells from newborn rats.

It's a feat that could one day lead to customized organs for humans -- though that could be many years away.

CTV.ca | Scientists create beating animal heart in lab

MCN says: So what happened to the lab? Is he all right? Oh yes you is, isn't you boy?

Take away her Zippo

Zookeepers in Zhengzhou, Henan province, are trying to make a resident chimp quit smoking.

"Philly" got hooked on the habit months ago by picking up cigarette butts discarded by visitors.

The chimp succumbed to the smokes and would squeal for cigarettes every time she needed a drag.

The primate reportedly even developed a taste for specific brands - it picked the more expensive one when presented with two choices a few days ago.

Zookeepers have added Chinese herbs to Philly's diet to wean it off the cigarettes.

Smoking simian in zoo worrying keepers

One helicopter and a bag of pork scratchings, please

FISHBOURNE, England, Jan. 14 (UPI) -- A sailor alone on his 37-foot boat in the western Atlantic Ocean broke his hip and called his local pub in England to get help.

Alan Thompson, 61, called the The Bull's Head pub in Fishbourne in southeastern England on Friday saying he had fallen and fractured his pelvis.

Hurt man at sea phones his pub for help - UPI.com

Off to shit in the woods, perhaps?

LONGWOOD, Fla., Jan. 14 (UPI) -- Florida Fish and Wildlife officials said they were surprised Monday when three bears they had planned to chase out of Longwood, Fla., were already gone.

Bears move out of Florida backyard - UPI.com

One day in Tellytubbyland

Police officers battling to curb crime on a troubled estate have ditched traditional methods and handed out £2,000 to an artist to paint fluffy clouds on walls in an attempt to keep louts "calm".

Sussex Police and Brighton and Hove City Council signed up artist Stig Evans to paint the blue skies on the windows of a derelict pub which had become a magnet for anti-social behaviour and was used a crackhouse.

Town hall officials who footed the £2,000 bill claim the artwork in Brighton cheers up vandals by making them think of sunny days instead of going on a wrecking spree.

Fury at police as artist is paid £2,000 to paint fluffy clouds in a bid to 'calm' yobs | the Daily Mail