Robo-Trout: Interfering in the affairs of fish

From the Associated Press 09/02/06, 7:21 AM EDT

GREENVILLE, Maine - Anglers, don't be alarmed if you catch a trout with an antenna coming out of its belly. It's just a "robo-trout."

About 75 transmitter-equipped trout have been released in Moosehead Lake and its tributaries by

the Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife as part of an effort to track them and maintain the right mix of fish.

~~~

Just what is the right mix of fish? Why should Maine taxpayers' money be funneled into the cause of Ichthyological social integration? You'd be hard-pressed to find any town hall meetings where fish bigotry is hotly debated. Besides, it's none of our damned bidness.

[looking around]

Can I say "damned" here, Miz Paula? 'K

Yes, now and then we hear stories about salmon grabbing the best feeding and spawning grounds away from other fish, claiming "divine right". Frustrated trout then bully the bass out of the best of what is left.

Last week there was an unconfirmed report of several bass donning cat costumes and speeding through both salmon and trout resting grounds in the middle of the night, meowin', hissin' and raking their confused victims with sets of small, sharp twigs as they swept past them. Salmon and trout in both areas scattered in terror, screaming, "Save the fry!"

[chortle!] Ya gotta admit, that was clever thinkin' on the--what, Mr. MacDonald? Oh. Sorry. Facts, right, the facts. Well, the fact is this: the government of Maine shoulda kept out of the whole fishy bidness!

See, a few months after the start of the project, ichthyologicalists... ichthyologicals... fish scientists noted an alarming change in the spawnin' habits of all three fish, as in they weren't spawnin' at all. Nope.

Once the fish with antennas realized that they could pick up free satellite TV, all three classes got together with some electric eel tourists to fix up TV's dumped in rivers. Now it's like:

"Time to head out to the spawnin' grounds!"

"OK, OK, just five more minutes..."

"No, really, we have to reproduce. Our only real drive in life, right?"

"I'm tryin' to watch the Sopranos, here! Shaddap!"

"Really? Cool! Yeah, we can wait..."

"Dammit, Charlie, don't wiggle, yer messin' up yer antenna's reception!"

"I gotta go to the little fry's room."

"Yer a fish for gawd's sake! Just poop where ya are!"

So, the good news is that the salmon, bass and trout no longer fight amongst themselves and peace reigns throughout the rivers. The bad news is that they can't tear themselves away from their shows long enough to spawn. Not to mention that they've been runnin' up their credit cards on the Home Shopping Network. Yes, they have developed Couch Fish Syndrome (CFS).

We can only hope that Satellite TV providers find these Couch Fish soon and whap them with such huge bills that the fish can no longer afford their habit... and, so, return to thier Continuation of the Species duties.