Off yerself and yer outta here!

NEW YORK - A depressed Hunter College student who swallowed handfuls of Tylenol, then saved her own life by calling 911, was in for a surprise when she returned to her dorm room after the ordeal.

The lock had been changed.

She was being expelled from the dorm, the school informed her, because she violated her housing contract by attempting suicide. The 19-year-old was allowed to retrieve her belongings as a security guard stood watch.

And not only that, but you get an F in Drugs 101, a bucketload of tardy slips and a summons for disruptive behavior. You're also banned from attending pep rallies. In a related story, the Hemlock Society is investigating why kids today don't know the magic formula: SLEEPING PILLS PLUS ALCOHOL.

Actually, it's hard to decide which is nuttier: the schools' response to parental lawsuits over suicides or the parents themselves. "It's the university's fault! There was too much pressure! They shoulda known! They shoulda been bugging her dorm room! Oh, but if they do that, we'll sue for invasion of privacy, nyah!" Or possibly nuttiest of all is the suit alleging that suicide wannabes are "disabled" and therefore barring them from attending school is discrimination.

This Nut leaves it to the gentle reader to choose.