Quit bugging me!

Somerset, Wisconsin -- When high school football star Jake Asp heard loud popping noises, he never suspected it was a beetle having his eardrum for lunch. The discovery was made on September 16, when Asp was awakened from a nap because of something "strange and painful" in his right ear. After 15 minutes, the pain became so unbearable that the boy's family took him to a medical clinic, and there doctors discovered the munching, popping culprit: a beetle that had taken up residence inside Asp's ear. Unable to remove the insect with tweezers, they sent the boy to a nearby hospital where he underwent beetle removal surgery. Within days, Asp had fully recovered and was happily back on the football field.

According to a spokesperson for the Asp family, there is absolutely no truth to rumors that surgeons also removed a live squirrel, a box of Wheaties, and a tree branch from Asp's ear.

Teddy goes taliban.

MILFORD, N.H. - A teddy bear has been implicated in 2,500 deaths. Of trout, that is. State officials say a teddy bear dropped into a pool at a Fish and Game Department hatchery earlier this month clogged a drain. The clog blocked the flow of oxygen to the pool and suffocated the fish.

This is just the beginning. Just you wait. Soon Barbies will be tampering with the power plants and Etch-A-Sketches will be sending messages to Osama's laptop.

(By the way, teddy was no ordinary bear--he was a PADDINGTON. Obviously in cahoots with you-know-who. Shh!)

MCN update

NUTS for all posters to MCN going back to the beginning of time.

NUTS to all readers of MCN, except those who joined up when they just heard there were NUTS being handed out. You cynical fucks can wait it out till next month.

And finally, NUTS to all our new readers, if you really are new, and if you're here to enjoy the site, and not just pick hairs and split holes in it, the way your type so often does. Yeah, you're all so friendly at first, with your "first time posting" malarkey. Then before you know it, there's a knife in your back and you're wondering where your blog went to.

There are those who say I'm taking this too seriously. I say: YOU CAN'T HANDLE SERIOUSLY!

Now I've gone and lost them all again, haven't I? Why do you people LET me DO this?

Smurf Boxer Told to Smurf Off by Smurfs

IBF middleweight champion Arthur Abraham was served with a cease-and-desist order from attorneys for Papa Smurf and his plethora of illegitimate children. Abraham was known as the Smurf Boxer because he would enter the ring to the Smurf theme song while wearing Smurf apparel and being accompanied by scantily clad Smurfette impersonators (unlike the real Smurfette, these Smurfette impersonators have breasts and camel toes). Speaking on condition of anonymity, a member of the Smurf family said of Papa Smurf, "He was royally Smurfed when he saw that Smurfing boxer Smurf into the ring with those Smurfing whores. Papa (Smurf) said someone should Smurf that guy in the ass, because he looked like he needed a good ass Smurfin'. Smurf that. If you ask me, he needs a good skull Smurfin' after he Smurfs my dick." Now competing as The Artist Formerly Known as the Smurf Boxer, Abraham could not be reached for comment.

Panda Bites Man, Man Bites Panda

According to a BBC News story, after partaking in a number of adult beverages while riding the train to the Beijing Zoo, 35-year-old Zhang Xinyan got an overwhelming urge to cuddle a live Panda. When Zhang arrived at the zoo, he jumped over a waist-high railing and entered the pen of six-year-old Gu Gu, where he proceeded to give the panda a hug.

Gu Gu was far from pleased, and he returned Zhang's affectionate gesture by biting the man on both his legs. Not one to be bullied by a burly bamboo-eating fur-ball, Zhang bit the panda on his back. Fortunately for Gu Gu, his fur was too thick for Zhang's incisors to draw blood.

In a statement to the Beijing Morning Post, Zhang expressed his confusion over Gu Gu's rejection of him. "No one ever said they would bite people," he said. "I just wanted to touch it."

Gu Gu was unavailable for comment, but an anonymous source said the panda was "deeply offended" by Zhang's romantic overtures. The source also said the panda was "seriously considering" filing a civil lawsuit.

I want to speak to my Nuttorney!

Who the hell does this character think he is?

No nuts for imposters!

The simple life

Okay, it'll cost you upwards of $577,000 for what is essentially a shack, but it's so hobbitty! And the houses have names like Quail Cottage, Holly Cottage and Swordsman's Lodge. Best of all, the whole development in Bend, Oregon is called The Shire, which will surely appeal to Lord of the Rings fans all over, just as soon as they save up enough money from their comic-book store jobs to move out of Mom's basement.

Above is an actual, real live tricked-up computer visual of the Swordsman's cottage. Empty your Legolas savings-bank and check it out here.

A bag of nuts to Towse the tipster for steering us Shireward.

Thou shalt not steal, but souvenirs are another matter

Nearly one in ten Bibles placed in hotel rooms by the Dutch Bible Union is stolen, the organisation said in its 2005 annual report, just released. The Union, formerly known as the Dutch Gideons, has been putting a total of 160,000 Bibles in rooms since 1946. Every year 15,000 Bibles are distributed, and 1,200 disappear into guests' bags along with shower-caps and squares of soap.

"Of course it's not the intention that people take the Bibles away," a spokesman said. "But if they do, that means they want to read them."

The 20th chapter of Exodus in particular, presumably.

To Pee or Not to Pee

You know, if this Nut were faced with a choice of giving up drugs to pass a urine test, or buying a fake dick, filling it with a someone else's pee, taking it to a convenience store near work, and asking the dude there to warm it in the microwave, well...gosh it's hard to decide what I would do. Leslye Creighton chose the second option, but unfortunately the convenience store dude thought it was a real dick that she had hacked off some poor guy and called the cops. Now not only is Leslye facing jail time, but she has to pay to replace the microwave. I mean, no one wants their breakfast burrito nuked in a pee-smelling microwave. Makes sense.

Defense attorney William Difenderfer said this was a "a humorous, but weird, case." Yeah? Well, so's your name, buddy. Difenderfer? Come on.

_________________________
Tip of the nutshell to David Rochester for passing along the linked article.

Brit and Kev Parents Again!

Los Angeles (MCN) – According to sources close to Britney Spears and her husband Kevin Federline, the pop diva has given birth to the couple's second child, a son who has yet to be named. "Kevin wants to name him Kevin," Spears gasped between contractions during an Entertainment Weekly interview conducted while she was in labor, "but he can forget that shit. He won't come home at night and people tell me he's still whoring. Until he comes home at night and stops whoring, I wouldn't name a damned dog after him, let alone a baby."

Baby Spears/Federline, temporarily known as BS/F, is the second child born to Spears and Federline. The baby arrived just a few days before the first birthday of the couple's first son, Sean Preston. Spears' New York-based publicist, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, said that Spears' birthing room remarks should not be taken seriously. "Fuck sake, Brit was in the throes of labor," she said. "The truth is—and most people don't know this—she and Kev are Hollywood's happiest couple. They're an all-American couple, not that different from Ozzie and Harriet or Ward and June, but the millions of dollars these kids earn makes life really tough for them. People should try to be more sensitive to that."

In addition to Sean Preston and BS/F, Federline has a daughter and a son with actress Shar Jackson. Sloane Zelnik refused to comment on rumors that Federline also has children with Jessica Simpson, Paris Hilton, Kate Moss, and all the members of the Dixie Chicks.

Photo

Nothing to laugh at here. Posted, just because:

Driving While Intoxiflated

BRATISLAVA (Reuters) - A Slovak driver who crashed into a bus shocked rescuers who found him unconscious and half naked with a vacuum pump on his penis.

Police said the 42-year-old man, driving an old Citroen in the Slovak town of Levice, had ignored a "give way" sign.

"It's very likely he had auto-sex while driving, it is a matter of investigation. After the accident he was found lying in the seat, his pants were off and it (the pump) was placed on his penis," police officer Peter Polak told Reuters.

"I've never seen anything like this, nor have my colleagues," he added.

The man was taken to hospital with head injuries.

Kids, if we've told you once, we've told you a thousand times: pull over to a rest stop when you need to pump and turn on the emergency flashers. Have a cup of coffee and a cold shower before getting back on the road. Safety first!

Off yerself and yer outta here!

NEW YORK - A depressed Hunter College student who swallowed handfuls of Tylenol, then saved her own life by calling 911, was in for a surprise when she returned to her dorm room after the ordeal.

The lock had been changed.

She was being expelled from the dorm, the school informed her, because she violated her housing contract by attempting suicide. The 19-year-old was allowed to retrieve her belongings as a security guard stood watch.

And not only that, but you get an F in Drugs 101, a bucketload of tardy slips and a summons for disruptive behavior. You're also banned from attending pep rallies. In a related story, the Hemlock Society is investigating why kids today don't know the magic formula: SLEEPING PILLS PLUS ALCOHOL.

Actually, it's hard to decide which is nuttier: the schools' response to parental lawsuits over suicides or the parents themselves. "It's the university's fault! There was too much pressure! They shoulda known! They shoulda been bugging her dorm room! Oh, but if they do that, we'll sue for invasion of privacy, nyah!" Or possibly nuttiest of all is the suit alleging that suicide wannabes are "disabled" and therefore barring them from attending school is discrimination.

This Nut leaves it to the gentle reader to choose.

Breaking news

TV celebrity and survival expert Ray Mears has been killed while filming a documentary. Initial report say he was stabbed in the heart by a stingsteve.

More as it comes in.

On the lookout

An Iraqi man stopped by British police after driving on the wrong side of the road and speeding in a built-up area has been charged with dangerous driving, after police in the West Midlands discovered he has no eyes.

Omed Aziz, aged 31, lost his eyes in a bomb explosion in his native Iraq. He also suffers from tremulous legs and is partially deaf. He was receiving instructions from a friend seated beside him, but police found the passenger had been banned from driving, so he doesn't count, does he?

From the news story:

Prosecutor Peter Love asked PC Austin if he had noticed anything about Aziz.
The officer replied: "I did - he didn't have any eyes, Your Worships."

Today's recipe

Due to circumstances beyond our control, today's recipe has been cancelled.

We hope to be able to bring you the recipe for Stingray Surprise, braised in shallots and a red wine sauce, at a later date.

Lies, damned lies

A large-scale poll carried out for Psychologie Magazine in the Netherlands reveals how survey respondents lie like a bunch of lying liars.

The survey suggests that we drift off into a day-dream once every 90 minutes on average, a result that will ...


... sorry where was I?

Revenge is the favourite scenario for 70 % of those responding. 69 % said they dreamed of sex with their own partner, while 60 % fantasised about sex with someone else. 64 % dreamed of their own funeral, or exactly as many as the numbers for illicit sex and revenge combined. Duh.

Research news

A study by research bureau TNS-Sofres carried out on behalf of Duh University reveals that 25 % of French workers would "ideally" work for between two and five hours a day, with only four percent choosing to work ten hours or more.

Meanwhile over at the College of Higher Duh Studies, medical researchers found that the human body would rather be fat than thin. It is natural, doctors found, for the body to build up reserves of cake, pie and pudding for hard times that may be just around the corner.

Steve Irwin, singing somewhere in heaven.

[apologies to Bon Jovi]

SHOT THROUGH THE HEART
And you're to blame, crikey!
You give fish a bad name

A big croc's smile is what I see
The blackest of widows baked brownies for me
Poisonous snakes are sweethearts up here
Croc Hunter's in heaven, no Aussie beer

You're a cheeky ray ... mate
You stung me today
No one can save me
But good aim, what hey

Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give fish a bad name
I played my part and you played your game
You give fish a bad name
You give fish a bad name

Breakthroughs in scienzzzz

A 17-year-old Bulgarian girl is considering suing Air Malta after cabin crew allowed her to fall asleep on a flight from Valletta to Sofia. When Maria Ilieva woke up, she was back in Malta, and had to cough up €200 for a new ticket.

And the reason it all happened is BECAUSE:

Researchers at Duh University have discovered that teenagers have a different body clock to the rest of us, running about two hours late according to an article in New Scientist magazine, unfortunately available only to subscribers.

For the LORD thy GOD is a comedy GOD

A Pentecostalist pastor in Libreville, which is in Gabon, which is in Africa, took it into his head to do as the LORD did, and walk on water. He set off to stroll the aquatic high road from Pointe Denis beach, only to sink beneath the briny surface and drown.

So not quite as Jesus did it, then.

But that's nothing. I once had a vision I would die and be raised the third day, and I got myself crucified and stabbed in the side. And as I was lying in my tomb waiting for an angel to come and roll away the stone, nothing happened. And I'm still there, dead for all eternity, stuck in that undiscover'd country "from whose bourne no traveller returns" as the Bard has it.

I'm only kidding about the last bit, actually. I did have a vision, but it was that I would vanquish hay-fever, not death. The rest is just plain made-up.

Nutty News in Brief

A run-down of Nutty News in Brief:

Researchers at the University of St Andrews have discovered that chimpanzees are capable of passing information on down the generations by means of teaching and learning. Well if that's the case, what's with the flinging of faeces thing? And perhaps more important, when are those Complete Works of Shakespeare gonna be ready?

• A three-year-old girl in Taiwan is in serious condition in hospital after being attacked by an eel. Her father had caught several eels which he stored in a tank. As he was preparing to kill and eat them, one slipped his grasp and dived into the child's mouth to escape. Father pulled the creature out, but not before it had seriously injured the child's oesophagus.

In related news, Dutch authorities have decided to allow babies to be shown with their mouths hanging open in passport photos, overturning a recent ruling that even tiny-tots had to stick to the rules on how you need to look on your passport pic. A small amount of drool is also permitted, a spokesperson for the Interior Ministry said, but strictly no eels.

• A Frenchman hunting wild boar in Trausse in the south of the country accidentally shot his mother in the face during the hunt, killing her. Police investigating the incident said it was a simple case of mistaken identity, and started preparing a sauce of shallots and red wine, with perhaps some prunes.
  

A man in New Zealand was stopped by police after he was clocked driving at 120 km/h in a built-up area. Imagine Plod's surprise when it was discovered that not only did 31-year-old Colin Smith have no driving licence, he also has no arms, and was steering with one foot. Smith escaped prosecution after he gave an undertaking that he would get a licence and only drive in a vehicle adapted to his disability. A policeman said they might have pressed ahead with charges, but Smith did have a leg to stand on.

• A 43-year-old London man will have to live for the rest of his life with the spelling errors of his tattooist. Brainless tit Martin Nolan wanted to honour his mother Breda with a piece of doggerel tattooed on his back. But the tattoo artist had trouble with difficult words like strength and wisdom, giving the following result: God give me the strenght/to accept the things/I cannot change, the courage/to change the things that/I can and the nisdom to/know the difference/BREDA.
  

A bank robber turned up for a bank hold-up in New Jersey armed with a pistol and neatly kitted out in wig and sunglasses -- but forgot to bring along a bag marked Swag to carry off his haul. Cashiers handed over $1385, but when the robber tried to escape holding the loot in his bare hands, he lost at least $1195 of it, which was later recovered. The remaining $190 will go towards a sturdy hold-all and a packet of Post-It notes.

• Police in Zurich, Switzerland, were alerted that the burglar alarm of a fitness centre had gone off. To check the alarm was not a mistake made by cleaners, the police called the centre, and the burglar picked up the phone. To make matters worse, the man and his girlfriend seemed to think nothing of this call from the police, and carried on robbing the place. And were still occupied when police arrived.
  

Okay one more. A would-be bank-robber in the Austrian town of Poggersdorf knew it had all gone wrong when the cashier in whose face he was waving a fake gun pointed out that she was a municipal worker, and he was in the process of trying to rob the town hall, situated not far from the town's bank. The robber took to his heels, and was captured later when he came back to recover his getaway car -- still parked right outside the town hall door.

More Nutty News in Brief coming soon!

That is, one year older than Ehrengard Melusine von der Schulenburg

Koen Druyts of Turnhout in Belgium is officially 338 years old this year. According to the chip in his new ID card, Mr Druyts was born in 1668, the year of the signing of the Lisbon peace treaty between Portugal and Spain; of the expulsion of all Roman Catholics from Ethiopia; of the birth of the composer Couperin and the great Dutch medical pioneer Boerhaave; and of Molière's play The Miser (L'Avare). Mr Druyts commented, "I look not too bad for my age, eh?" The card will be replaced free of charge, but in the meantime Mr Druyts will have no trouble buying alcohol, cigarettes or lottery tickets.

Thanks to Wikipedia for dates.

Robo-Trout: Interfering in the affairs of fish

From the Associated Press 09/02/06, 7:21 AM EDT

GREENVILLE, Maine - Anglers, don't be alarmed if you catch a trout with an antenna coming out of its belly. It's just a "robo-trout."

About 75 transmitter-equipped trout have been released in Moosehead Lake and its tributaries by

the Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife as part of an effort to track them and maintain the right mix of fish.

~~~

Just what is the right mix of fish? Why should Maine taxpayers' money be funneled into the cause of Ichthyological social integration? You'd be hard-pressed to find any town hall meetings where fish bigotry is hotly debated. Besides, it's none of our damned bidness.

[looking around]

Can I say "damned" here, Miz Paula? 'K

Yes, now and then we hear stories about salmon grabbing the best feeding and spawning grounds away from other fish, claiming "divine right". Frustrated trout then bully the bass out of the best of what is left.

Last week there was an unconfirmed report of several bass donning cat costumes and speeding through both salmon and trout resting grounds in the middle of the night, meowin', hissin' and raking their confused victims with sets of small, sharp twigs as they swept past them. Salmon and trout in both areas scattered in terror, screaming, "Save the fry!"

[chortle!] Ya gotta admit, that was clever thinkin' on the--what, Mr. MacDonald? Oh. Sorry. Facts, right, the facts. Well, the fact is this: the government of Maine shoulda kept out of the whole fishy bidness!

See, a few months after the start of the project, ichthyologicalists... ichthyologicals... fish scientists noted an alarming change in the spawnin' habits of all three fish, as in they weren't spawnin' at all. Nope.

Once the fish with antennas realized that they could pick up free satellite TV, all three classes got together with some electric eel tourists to fix up TV's dumped in rivers. Now it's like:

"Time to head out to the spawnin' grounds!"

"OK, OK, just five more minutes..."

"No, really, we have to reproduce. Our only real drive in life, right?"

"I'm tryin' to watch the Sopranos, here! Shaddap!"

"Really? Cool! Yeah, we can wait..."

"Dammit, Charlie, don't wiggle, yer messin' up yer antenna's reception!"

"I gotta go to the little fry's room."

"Yer a fish for gawd's sake! Just poop where ya are!"

So, the good news is that the salmon, bass and trout no longer fight amongst themselves and peace reigns throughout the rivers. The bad news is that they can't tear themselves away from their shows long enough to spawn. Not to mention that they've been runnin' up their credit cards on the Home Shopping Network. Yes, they have developed Couch Fish Syndrome (CFS).

We can only hope that Satellite TV providers find these Couch Fish soon and whap them with such huge bills that the fish can no longer afford their habit... and, so, return to thier Continuation of the Species duties.

Hiss boom bear.

VAIL, Colo. - A 72-year-old woman making pot roast in her kitchen discovered uninvited guests in her home Thursday: a bear and her cub.

The unidentified woman walked into the kitchen and found the bear standing six feet away, apparently surprising it, Vail police Sgt. Dan Torgerson said. The bear hissed at her and swatted her chest and arm, giving her some minor scratches. The woman then scared it off by yelling and clapping her hands.

Torgerson said the bear hissed again and then left through a side door.

"If the bear was trying to hurt her, it very easily could have,"he said."I think it was just surprised."

The woman then found a cub in her house and she pushed it out the door, Torgerson said.

An intrepid Nutter cracked a source who admitted the woman's name was Goldilocks. "Revenge, innit," said the source. "Bears never forget." Apparently the Mom Bear was the same Baby Bear in the famous story and is still pissed off that Goldi slept in her bed.

There's a moral in there. Or perhaps a mural.