World's oldest woman dead at 116; foul play suspected

QUITO, Ecuador - Maria Esther de Capovilla, the oldest person on Earth according to Guinness World Records, has died at 116 years of age, her granddaughter said.

While initial reports claimed Capovilla had died of complications from pneumonia, lead investigator Javier Ortega de Richcorintheanleather believes otherwise. "It is 94 degrees here," he said through a translator. "Who gets pneumonia when it is 94 degrees?"

While as of yet no official suspects have been named, Elizabeth Bolden, of Memphis, Tenn., only 11 months younger than Capovilla and now the oldest person on Earth, was reportedly seen in the neighborhood Wal•Mart purchasing "unusual quantities of ice." Bolden could not be reached for comment.

Born on Sept. 14, 1889, Capovilla was married in 1917 and widowed in 1949. She is survived by three of her five children, 12 grandchildren, 20 great-grandchildren, two great-great grandchildren, four mediocre grandchildren, one super-duper great-grandchild, three shit-for-brains grandchildren and her 114-year-old Australian shepherd Nifty.