Archive: Broken news

Our first story concerns Zyban, a drug used to help people give up smoking, which regular readers will know has a special place in my heart and especially in my lungs, the drug that is. Researchers at the Free University VUB have asked the government to put the drug on a blacklist of doping products because, they say, not only can it improve performance by 9-25 percent in cyclists taking part in a Tour de France-style time-trial, it can also cause body temperatures to rise to as high as 40 degrees when used by athletes performing in warm conditions.

It's true, and I can testify, that Zyban can cause hot flushes and night-sweats, just as it says right there on the packet. But might I be allowed to point something out to the esteemed researchers? The drug is being used for smokers, hello? How many smokers do you know, even recently-stopped, who participate in any athletic competition at all, let alone time-trials à la Tour de France, let alone competitions in conditions of elevated temperature? The advice given by Professor Romain Meeusen is, "Whoever stops smoking with Zyban and wants to start exercising again had better not do it under the blazing sun". Thanks, Prof.

***

We go over now to Tilburg in the Netherlands, where a survey published last week tells us that the number of Belgians who described themselves as "very happy" is inferior only to the equivalent number of Irish, Danes, Dutch, Icelanders and Northern Irish. More than four in ten Belgians put themselves in that category, with 51 percent saying they were "pretty happy". In other words, only 8 percent of Belgians are not happy. Which is good news, though unlikely to cheer them up.

However, what to make of these figures: 48 percent of Belgians said they would rather NOT have a "right-wing extremist" as a neighbour. Great, you think. Stand up to the shaven-headed, bovver-booted scum, and the Vlaams Blok too. But the total also means that just over half of Belgians don't care, a figure that presumably includes all those "right-wing extremists" themselves.

To confuse matters more, the same respondents would also prefer not to live next door to a gypsy (34%), a Muslim (20%), a gay person (18%), an immigrant (16%) or a Jew (11%). So if I've got that right, nearly half of all Belgians won't move in next to a right-wing extremist, while rest of the population are in fact right-wing extremists. Either that, or Belgians just long for a detached house.

***

Finally, to Ghent, and the doctoral thesis of Charlotte De Backer at the faculty of political and social sciences there.

Dr. De Backer's thesis was all about gossip, which she found out makes you wise and what's more as happy as a Belgian living next door to a stormtrooper. It gives you a strong bond with those other nattering ninnies you call your friends, and it makes you intelligent because gossip is full of interesting facts but she would say that, wouldn't she? Some more facts about gossip:

• Gossip about women is mostly about their appearance, from "Did you SEE that hat?" to "Fwooaar!"
  
• Gossip about men, on the other hand, concerns status and performance, and not just that kind.
  
• Men and women, not surprisingly, gossip differently from each other, with women more likely to use gossip as a tool to ruin reputations – like her at Number 34 who's always at it.
  
• Young people gossip about relationships, when they can be bothered taking the iPods out of their ears to talk to each other at all, that is.
  
• And people in general use gossip as a sort of negotiable currency, like Marlboros in prison, to establish, raise and maintain their own social standing, not unlike the good Doctor De Backer herself.

All very interesting, if not exactly earth-shattering news for the most part. But then you'd understand why if you knew what I know about that Ghent faculty. But I mustn't. No really, I mustn't.

From July 2005