May Contain Nuts: November 2007

Friday, November 30

Be very afraid

Monkeys Control Robotic Arms Via Internet - Switched: Gadgets, Tech, Digital Stuff for the Rest of Us

Implanting electrodes into the monkeys' brains, the researchers were able to train the primates to move robotic legs in this iteration of their experiments. Nothing special there, right? Well, the new wrinkle that they presented at this year's Neuroscience Conference was the monkeys' ability to movethe robotic legs from thousands of miles away, with the primates and robotic limbs linked only by the Internet! While the monkeys were at the conference in San Diego, they moved the legs, which happened to across the Pacific at the Advanced Telecommunications Research Institute International in Kyoto, Japan.

Released for lack of evidence

BBC NEWS | UK | England | Tees | Flasher's 'inadequacy' plea fails

A man convicted of being a serial flasher told a court he could not be guilty as his genitals were too small.

Michael Carney, 41, claimed he was too embarrassed about the size of his manhood to expose himself to women and showed the court photographs as proof.

Thursday, November 29

Too sick

Road kill for Christmas? | Metro.co.uk

A toy designer has come up with a gory end for teddy bears and other cuddly animal toys. The first to be launched is Twitch, the Roadkill Teddy, which comes complete with opaque plastic body bag to keep the maggots out and attached to its twitching toe is an identity bag giving details of its demise.

Photo on site, not for the squeamish.

An hour later you feel like inheriting again

Challenge over widow's £10m bequest - Telegraph

A wealthy widow left her £10 million fortune to the owners of a Chinese restaurant after cutting her relatives out of her will, a court has heard.

Golda "Goldie" Bechal died aged 89 in 2004, giving almost her entire estate to Kim Man and his wife Bee, who she looked on as her family.

But her five nephews and nieces claimed that as a result of dementia Mrs Bechal lacked "testamentary capacity" to make a will.

For the sicko who has everything

Huggable urns and coffin candy for 'Kitschmas' - Telegraph

On a similar note, one company is offering "huggable urns", conventional teddy bears that unzip at the back to reveal velvet pouches for cremated ashes.

The bears, described by the website as the "Paddingtonization of death", are stitched with the words "hold me" and will set you back from an American website at $99.95, or $149.95 if you want one with angel wings.

You want flies with that?

Grandmother saved by daughter's poo - Telegraph

A grandmother who contracted a potentially fatal superbug in Scotland has been saved after a hospital fed her daughter’s faeces to her.

Ethel McEwan, an 83-year-old from Guardbridge, Fife, was near death after contracting Clostridium Difficile, the Daily Record reported.

But she was saved after receiving a "faecal transplant" from her daughter, Winnifred.

The treatment involves liquidising a sample of faeces from a close relative of the patient, and feeding the liquid down a tube into the stomach.

And hardly any pocket-money

Dad keeps 5 kids in DIY Auschwitz | Russian family imprisoned | The Sun |HomePage|News

A CRUEL father kept his wife and five children caged for two years in a “concentration camp” he built to resemble Nazi hell-hole Auschwitz.

Anatoly Titsky, 47, spent months erecting the “maximum security correctional facility” deep in a forest.

He dug a deep trench around the camp and surrounded it with a 20ft-high barbed wire fence.

And 20 ferocious guard dogs patrolled day and night, trained to kill any of the family if they tried to escape.

[...]

Under questioning Titsky — who had been banned from looking after his kids —
finally admitted he “had been a little strict” on them.

That oughtta fix it

Zoo destroys two monkeys who fought each other | Environment | The Guardian

Conservationists yesterday criticised a zoo after it put to death two monkeys of an endangered species because the pair were constantly fighting. Newquay Zoo in Cornwall said the male primates, Venus and Ia - both crested black macaques - were destroyed after it proved impossible to find them new homes.

Wanted: Bloke with big nose

Police urged to drop photofits for caricatures | The Guardian | Guardian Unlimited

Police forces should issue comical caricatures of the criminals they are hunting instead of standard photofits, according to a team of scientists who found that cartoon-like faces are better at jolting people's memories.

Wednesday, November 28

Great judge of character

Judge struck off after jailing 46 in phone row | Special reports | Guardian Unlimited

A US judge has been removed from the bench after jailing 46 people when a mobile phone began ringing during his court session and no one would own up.

The entire courtroom was sent to the cells during a domestic violence hearing when the judge, Robert Restaino, 48, "snapped" and - according to a review of his actions - "engaged in what can only be described as two hours of inexplicable madness".

Let some other guy be funny: Guest may contain nuts

Banterist

Air travel is rarely a fun or relaxing experience - and when kids are involved it's like poking your eyes out with a fork while jackbooted thugs step on your groin and Hitler pours acid on your herb garden.

Two minute silence, please

Cookie, the Brooklyn monkey, dies of cancer -- Newsday.com

"She was not a monkey," says Cookie's owner, Roman Flikshtein, now 55. "That's all I can say. She was part of the family.

"If something could be done to bring Cookie back - if it meant giving up everything and we had to live on the street - I would do it."

Our illustrious forefathers

Hotshot monkeys* in science - CNN.com

In fact, the following 10 hot-shot simians might even know enough to assemble a science textbook; in which case, they'd definitely need to leave room for a chapter about themselves.

Tuesday, November 27

Do it to me big boy

Bad Sex Award 2007 shortlisted passages | News | Guardian Unlimited Books

O glorious pubes! The ultimate triangle, whose angles delve to hell but point to paradise. Let me sing the black banner, the blackbird's wing, the chink, the cleft, the keyhole in the door. The fig, the fanny, the cranny, the quim - I'd come close to it now, this sudden blush, this ancient avenue, the end of all odysseys and epic aim of life, pulling at my prick now, pulling like a lodestone.

Facebook

Rare book 'bears image of hanged priest's face' | News | Guardian Unlimited Books

A 17th century book believed to be bound in the skin of a priest executed for treason appears to bear a "spooky" image of his face on the cover, according to the auctioneers who are selling the book.

DA DA DA DA DA DA . . . CATMAN!

This feline friendly interactive website allows consumers to choose, name and care for their very own Whiskas(R) virtual cat, which is actually a man acting as a cat. Whether one chooses a kitten, indoor/outdoor cat or senior cat, men and women across the country will be able to select the cat of their choice and care for it from the comfort of their home or office space.

"We have received such a positive response from our men acting as cats television campaign, that we decided to take this program to the next level," says Crystal Caughill, Brand Manager for Whiskas(R). "The creation of Feed the Cat is a great opportunity to connect with our consumers and have some fun with our brand while letting consumers earn valuable coupons to be used towards real life purchases."

[...]

Planning a vacation anytime soon? As you would with your real cat, owners are encouraged to consider finding a "cat sitter" for their virtual pet while they are away. [Source]

This reporter will refrain from asking why these people don't just get a real cat. Some things are best left a mystery.

Animal crackers

Thailand lays on five-star buffet fit for monkeys | Lifestyle | Living | Reuters

LOPBURI, Thailand (Reuters Life!) - Twenty chefs. Two tonnes of grilled sausage, fresh fruit, vegetables, ice cream, milk and jelly. Two thousand guests. A lot of monkey business. The town of Lopburi in Thailand celebrated its annual Monkey Festival over the weekend, laying out a lavish banquet for the more than 2,000 macaques that roam freely through it. Locals believe that providing food for the monkeys, Lopburi's most famous residents, brings good fortune and prosperity. The feast is also a sort of "thank you" for the animals whose antics entice thousands of tourists to the town every year.

Monday, November 26

You know this is gonna be good

Top 10 bizarre experiments - opinion - 03 November 2007 - New Scientist

Here are 10 of the bizarrest experiments of all time - which, it must be said, mostly fall closer to madness than to genius.

Monkey wars spread

Monkeys invade Indonesian village -- report - INQUIRER.net, Philippine News for Filipinos

JAKARTA -- Hundreds of monkeys have invaded houses and accosted villagers in Indonesia's East Java province after their habitat was cleared for commercial development, a report said Thursday.

Sudarsono, a resident of Mangliawan village, told news website Detikcom that hundreds of macaques began swarming into the village from the nearby Wendit recreational park three months ago in search of food.

Sunday, November 25

What, no drugs, no kinky sex with hookers?

Mayor Resigns, Claims Abduction By Satan Worshippers - Local News Story - KHBS Ft. Smith

CENTERTON, Ark. -- The mayor of an Arkansas town resigned on Wednesday, claiming he was abducted and brainwashed by Satan worshippers nearly three decades ago.

Saturday, November 24

Probably Elizabethans, strictly speaking

Aussies in icy lifeboat terror after Explorer hits an iceberg off Antarctica | Herald Sun

At least 10 Australians were rescued from the stricken ship that hit an iceberg and sank in icy seas near the southern tip of Argentina yesterday.

It was not known last night if any of the survivors were Victorians. No deaths or major injuries were reported among passengers.

Chimps insulted by comparison

Drummer 'like chimp on speed' | The Daily Telegraph

SACKED Mental As Anything drummer David Twohill played "like a chimpanzee on speed" and had butchered the band's songs, singer Martin Plaza told the NSW Industrial Relations Commission yesterday.

The colourful critique came as Plaza gave evidence of the "friction and poison" that preceded the drummer's departure from the band in September 2004.

Twohill is taking unfair dismissal action against Plaza, singer Andrew "Greedy" Smith and the band's touring company.

Probably heard they're taking anyone

Dallas Morning News | News for Dallas, Texas | Texas/Southwest

A 17-year-old research chimpanzee considered dangerous because he is not domesticated escaped briefly Friday from his enclosure at the M.D. Anderson Cancer Center facility in Bastrop.

The chimp named Jake was found on the 381-acre property around noon. A team of veterinarians and caregivers sedated Jake and returned him safely to his enclosed area, said M.D. Anderson spokeswoman Wendy Gottsegen. She said he never left the property and no one was injured.

Center officials and the Bastrop County Sheriff's Department searched for the chimp, who escaped from his enclosure about 9 a.m. at the Michale Keeling Center for Comparative Medicine and Research.

There was no word on how the research animal escaped. At one point he was seen heading north toward Camp Swift, a National Guard post in the area, Gottsegen said.

Monkey mayhem

Thieving monkeys 'out of control' in northeast India - Yahoo! News

GUWAHATI, India (AFP) - Troupes of monkeys are out of control in India's northeast, stealing mobile phones and breaking into homes to steal soft drinks from refrigerators, lawmakers in the region have complained.
"Monkeys are wreaking havoc in my constituency by taking away mobile phones, toothpastes, sipping coke after opening the refrigerators," Hiren Das told Assam state's assembly.

He said the primates were "even slapping women who try to chase them".

Just like screenwriters

Monkeys strike for better rewards - Telegraph

In a recent research project, brown capuchin monkeys trained to exchange a granite token for a cucumber treat often refused the swap if they saw another monkey get a better payoff - a grape.

The monkeys would also throw tantrums or sulk because they feel hard done by.

In a follow up study to find out how much the outbursts were driven by greed, frustration that the rewards did not live up to what they had come to expect and so on, it has now been observed that the monkeys will also refuse to participate in trials after they see other monkeys receiving greater reward for making the same effort: in effect - they go on strike.

Still closer than Ryanair

BBC NEWS | UK | Scotland | Highlands and Islands | Budget airline in capital mix-up

An airline has mistakenly placed Inverness closer to where Edinburgh should be on a map sent to Highland homes with promotional material.

Flybe has apologised for the error which appears to place Inverness next to the Firth of Forth, more than 100 miles south of its true location.

Soup to toup

Doctors untangle the strange case of the giant hairball - CNN.com

"On questioning, the patient stated that she had had a habit of eating her hair for many years -- a condition called trichophagia," they wrote.

"It seemed like she'd been doing this for several years," Levy told CNN.

The woman underwent surgery to remove the mass of black, curly hair, which weighed 10 pounds and measured 15 inches by 7 inches by 7 inches, the doctors said.

Five days later, she was eating normally and was sent home.

(appetising photo at source)

Friday, November 23

All in the mind

BBC NEWS | Africa | Tanzania surgery mix-up man dies

The Tanzanian man who had a knee operation when he required brain surgery, has died after finally having the operation he needed.

Emmanuel Mgaya died hours after the operation, performed two weeks late.

Meanwhile, Emmanuel Didas, who had a brain operation although his complaint was in the knee, is slowly recovering but he remains partially paralysed.

Softly-softly approach

BBC NEWS | UK | England | West Yorkshire | Soft-shoe shuffle at top prison

Prison officers at a high security jail housing dangerous criminals are wearing slippers as they patrol landings at night to avoid disturbing inmates.

Al dente after nine minutes

Government Inspectors Come Down Hard on Penis Pasta

The largest chain of sex stores in Norway has received notification from government inspectors that some of its foods products are not being properly labeled for nutritional facts.

Penis pasta, candy cuffs and chocolate body paint were all singled out for violating food labeling regulations for not containing a list of ingredients.

One sexual adviser in the store, Kjersti Antonsen, told reporters 'We were a bit surprised to have the food safety authority on inspection. Food is not really our core product,' and added that the matter would be rectified.

First bicycles, now fences

LONDON - Police claim an intoxicated man tried to have sex with a park fence, the Telegraph reported.

The 24-year-old allegedly made sexual motions toward a metal railing and said something to the effect of, "I'm going to have sex with that fence," the prosecutor is quoted as saying in the Telegraph.

Daniel French admitted to being drunk and disorderly, but denied saying he was going to have sex with a fence.

"The suggestion that I was trying to do something sexual to the railings is disgusting," said French, according to the Telegraph. [Source]

Melt in the mouth sensation

Ananova - Chocolate willy causes offence

Chocolate willy causes offence

An Italian sweet shop owner has been fined after making chocolate copies of a local porn star's proudest asset.

Bologna police told Teresa Conti, 40, to melt down the chocolate version of blue movie actor Rocco Siffredi's penis.

They said numerous passersby with children had complained of the confectionery organs on display in the window.

She was fined £150 for promoting indecency.

Conti said: "I only did it to get one up over my rivals and the displays in their chocolate shops."

Thursday, November 22

No lyin down on the job

Democracy Now! | Headlines for November 21, 2007

The Pentagon is forcing thousands of wounded veterans to return signing bonuses they received for joining the army. The military says the injured soldiers aren’t entitled to the money because they didn’t complete their full tour of duty.

Sunday, November 18

Extra legroom

BA flying 'ghost planes' across Atlantic - Telegraph

British Airways is shuttling dozens of empty planes across the Atlantic because it has a shortage of cabin crew, it has emerged.

The "phantom" services have been flying between Britain and Canada and the US over the past two weeks in order to retain valuable slots at London's airports.

Several BA passenger flights took off without a single passenger, using up thousands of tonnes of jet fuel.

Baboons, not just for breakfast anymore

Wednesday, 9am - An ape will be thrown over the roof of the Houblon Inn, Oasby on Friday night as part of the village's traditional baboon night, which raises money for Children in Need.

Each year villagers hold the ceremony to commemorate the 18th Century tragedy of Viscount Conningsby, who was killed by a baboon at Culverthorpe Hall when he was six months old. Oasby residents now remember the event by marching around the village with flaming torches as they herd a villager dressed as an ape to the pub.

At the pub, landlord Eddie Simmond bars the mob entry until an effigy of a baboon is thrown over the roof.

Only then can villagers enter the pub, where a poem, written especially for the occasion by Sleaford resident Jeff Challoner is read out. [Source]

Saturday, November 17

Faster than Domino's

AFP: Thai air force probes mushroom pick-up mission

BANGKOK (AFP) — Thailand's air force has launched an investigation after a pilot allegedly landed a search-and-rescue helicopter in a field to pick mushrooms for his mother, an official said Friday.

Seven air force crew including the two pilots are being probed after they made the unscheduled hour-long stop in a rice paddy in western Kanchanaburi province on Tuesday, said air force spokesman Monthon Suchookorn.

"It's obviously wrong to leave the plane unattended for one hour -- it could risk terrorist sabotage," Monthon told AFP.

Especially during Formula One

Press Gazette - Sex ASBO claim woman wins damages from Sunday Sport

A woman wrongly identified by the Sunday Sport as being served with an ASBO after screaming for hours on end during sex has won damages and an apology.

Sex consultant Jessica Lewis sued through solicitors David Price over an article headlined: "Shagbo" which appeared in the Sunday Sport on 16 September.

The article alleged that a woman named Tracey Brown had been served with an anti-social behavioural order after screaming for hours on end while having sex, that she had ignored the complaints of her neighbours and caused distress and anxiety to them. The article also alleged that she had sought to justify her conduct by claiming she was simply trying to drown out the television.

Christmas is coming

FOXNews.com - Australian Santas Asked Not to 'Ho Ho Ho' - International News | News of the World | Middle East News | Europe News

Santas across Sydney, Australia, are rebelling against attempts to ban their traditional greeting of "ho, ho, ho" in favor of "ha, ha, ha."

Recruitment firm Westaff — which supplies hundreds of Santas across the country — has told its trainees that the "ho ho ho" phrase could frighten children and could even be derogatory to women.

Friday, November 16

On yer bike, mate

BBC NEWS | UK | Scotland | Glasgow, Lanarkshire and West | Bike sex man placed on probation

A man caught trying to have sex with his bicycle has been sentenced to three years on probation. Robert Stewart, 51, admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.

The worst part was, he was faking it. The bike said later, yeah well I never thought your jokes were all that funny.

Thursday, November 15

Monkeybrew, it'll kill what's inside of yew

Monkey business yields gourmet Taiwan coffee

YUNLIN, Taiwan (Reuters Life!) - Coffee connoisseurs are going ape for a rare brew that Taiwanese farmers are producing with the help of monkeys. Formosan rock monkeys have long been a scourge to coffee farmers in Taiwan's mountains because they eat the ripe berries and spit out the seeds. But now, the farmers are collecting these half-chewed seeds and roasting them to produce a coffee that is being brewed all over the island. [...] Liao says the discarded seeds yield a sweeter coffee with a vanilla-like scent, which sells for about $56 a pound (450 grams).

In related news:

Coffee beans excreted by native civet cats in Indonesia and painstakingly extracted by hand from the animals' forest droppings reputedly produce the world's rarest and most expensive coffee, which sells for around $1,000 a kg ($450 a pound).

I'll just have the tea, thx.

Head em up and move em out

Cows flee after seeing McDonald's - Yahoo! News

Eight cows escaped from a trailer when the rear gate opened as the driver pulled into a McDonald's. It took about two hours to round them up Monday.

"Maybe they were going to ... hop in the freezer, save the middleman," Weber County sheriff's Sgt. Dave Creager said.

Lt. Kevin Burns had another theory: "They didn't like their future."

Better than diggin a ditch

Patient Says Dancing Dentist Misstepped

A dentist was dancing to a song on the radio while drilling on a woman's tooth, and she wound up in the hospital when the drill bit snapped off and lodged near her eye, a lawsuit alleges. Brandy Fanning, 31, said she had to undergo emergency surgery and spent three days in the hospital because of the October 2004 mishap.

The federal lawsuit filed last month against Dr. George Trusty seeks $600,000 for her medical expenses, pain and suffering.

[...]

As Trusty drilled, he was "performing rhythmical steps and movements to the song `Car Wash,'" which was on the radio, according to the lawsuit. Then, Fanning heard a snap.

(Thanks, Sal)

Wednesday, November 14

OH NOES!!

Scientists report cloning monkey embryos

American scientists reported today that they had cloned embryos from a 9-year-old male monkey and derived stem cells from them, reaching a long-sought goal that may pay off someday in new treatments for people.

When asked by this reporter if monkeyclones could pose a danger to humans by, say, being used in some sort of MONKEY ARMY, the lead scientist retorted, "Don't be absurd. That's the stuff of science fiction movies. Ook ook."

Be afraid.

Ape advisory system elevated to bananas

What is it with Florida lately?

A sleepy Florida town is the center of an odd mystery after reports of spooky, high pitched shrieks and strange creatures in trees.

Local folklore of Glen St. Mary, Fla., indicates that the sounds are that of an ape, specifically an orangutan, NBC10.com reported. One family even claims to have seen the orange beast nesting in a tree.

A Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission investigator who answered the original complaint call on the ape said something was definitely at the top of the tree, but couldn’t confirm exactly what it was.

He told NBC10.com that he took a pack of jelly donuts and left it at the bottom of the tree, hoping to lure the creature to the ground. Since then, he hasn’t seen or heard from it.

That doesn’t necessarily mean the creature has disappeared.

"There is kind of that 'I've seen a bigfoot' type of feel to it," resident Eric Lawson told NBC10.com. "They said it made a nest in that tree, so it's probably somewhere here in the area." [Source]

They hate us for our oxygen-breathing lungs

Former pilots and officials call for new U.S. UFO probe - Yahoo! News

An international panel of two dozen former pilots and government officials called on the U.S. government on Monday to reopen its generation-old UFO investigation as a matter of safety and security given continuing reports about flying discs, glowing spheres and other strange sightings.

"Especially after the attacks of 9/11, it is no longer satisfactory to ignore radar returns ... which cannot be associated with performances of existing aircraft and helicopters," they said in a statement released at a news conference.

Tuesday, November 13

Takes one to know one

Hilton tries to help drunk elephants - Yahoo! News

GAUHATI, India - Paris Hilton is being praised by conservationists for highlighting the problem of binge-drinking elephants in northeastern India.
ADVERTISEMENT

Activists said a celebrity endorsement such as Hilton's was sure to raise awareness of the plight of the pachyderms that get drunk on farmers' homemade rice beer and then go on a rampage.

Now pass me the wrench

BBC NEWS | Americas | Man hurt using gun to change tyre

A US man has injured himself in both legs after attempting to loosen a stiff wheel-nut by blasting it with his gun.

The 66-year-old man from Washington state was repairing his car outside his home when the accident took place.

Those nutty Floridians!

ST. JOHNS COUNTY, Fla. -- St. Johns County deputies recently launched an investigation into what they called one of the strangest accidents they've ever seen when a man was found dead after getting stuck in a cat door.

Investigators said 32-year-old Charles Tucker Jr. was using the cat door early Saturday morning as a way to get back into his girlfriend's St. Augustine home after the woman kicked him out.

Deputies said several hours after his girlfriend told him to leave she found him stuck in the cat door. [Source]

It's a dusty world after all

MiceAge.com - A different look at Disney...

The big problem isn't graffiti or hot-to-trot teens in a back row, it's park visitors smuggling in the cremated remains of their loved ones and then spreading the ashes inside a favorite attraction. The Haunted Mansion is by far the most popular location for this, but you'd be surprised where else people are dumping cremated remains at Disneyland.

Why birds can fly

Man dies after attempted cockatoo rescue | Herald Sun

A MAN has fallen to his death after climbing a tree to rescue his neighbour's pet cockatoo. The pet's owner suffered spinal injuries in an earlier failed rescue.

Saturday, November 10

That's ducked up, man

Officials arrested Matthew Jackson, 20, of Covington for allegedly selling LSD and other hallucinogens baked into duck-shaped chocolate candy. Authorities said the chocolate ducks were wrapped in silver and gold foil. Officials said a crushed sample of the chocolate revealed a large amount of a mushroom-like material mixed into the chocolate. [Source.]

Thursday, November 8

Nuts contain man

Man found under pile of peanuts dies from injuries | Top Stories | FOX11AZ.com | News for Tucson, Arizona

Newsoms, VA - After two hours of searching, co-workers at Severn Peanut Company found a man under a pile of peanuts.

Around 12:10 p.m. Tuesday, employees at the business on the 22000 block of General Thomas Highway noticed the co-worker was missing. Their search concluded when they found the coworker under the pile of peanuts.